chaoticfire

You think its gone....

DISCLAIMER: You dont have to read this self loathing pity party rant!!!! This is just like therapy and sometimes it just helps to get it out.

.... I am so surprised at how hard it hit me. The pain from knowing that day is when she is getting married. You know the one that got away. I was floored at how much it hurt and how much love I have for her still. What a lousy husband I turned out to be, I should have changed more. I should have sat by her when she was in the tub and talked. I should have helped her clean that day without the attitude. Now, now I am to late. The pain came at me faster than anything I have ever experienced. There I am standing in the kitchen when I realize my soulmate, the woman I love, my hero, my ex wife is right at this very moment saying her vows to her new husband. Knees buckle a wave rushes over me and a cascade of tears run down my face. It has only been a month and a half or two since the divorce. Still to me it only feels like yesterday. I reach for a drink and my pipe. The wave that rushes over my body this time is welcomed. The new herb I have is making me numb. Finally the fog starts to lift. POW! The pain again as I realize they are probably consummating their marriage at this moment. Them doing the same things we did in bed. Rubbing that heart shaped beauty mark that I used to say was my heart to carry with her always. Why do I do this to myself? Why cant I get over this? I have always gotten over things easy before. I really dont feel like I am good for anything or anyone. I have no drive or dreams left. I have no pride or anything to offer. I need to get a job, money is running out fast, but I dont care.

If you are reading this and your one of the cool people I was supposed to hang with this weekend I am so sorry for dissing you. I was just having a drug supported pity party.

I have been in a solid drunk or stoned (usually both) state for the past month in a half or two. Gets hard to tell when your in that big off a fog for so long. The blogging has helped simply because I go back and read them to remember what I have done lately. I have put on forty pounds since I got divorced. I really need to wake up and get on with life. I have even turned down sex multiple times because I am to far into my self loathing. I went sober yesterday just to see my boy for the first time in a few weeks. He has been gone with his mom in San Fran. I was so excited. I all of a sudden though got all depressed. He reminds me of her and all my failures as a father and husband. I FUCKING HATE THIS!!! I love my boy so much it hurts and to know that this is all I have to look forward to. Getting to only see him on occasion. Not getting to see a day by day growth. The funny things he says or does on a minute by minute basis. After he went to bed last night. I had to go smoke out just to get all the screaming pain in my head to mellow.

Sorry again for all the whining. Like I said it helps to get it out some. I am to emotionally spent to type anymore. I am sure your grateful for that...