chaotica

Y' know, you sort of think to yourself that buying a puppy will cheer up everyone in the household. You think that seeing as we already lost one dog at 6 that this puppy will lift peoples spirits and make them smile again. You're right. For a little while everything is the way it should be, people are happy and love having a pup back in the house again.

But it doesn't last.

I can't fucking do this again, why is it happening again? Shes a fucking pup, not even 1 year old yet. What are the chances that the one thing that brought everyone happiness would fill them with sadness just as bad as the first time.

In case you needed a hint, my Ruby is very ill. She had a fit while I was at college yesterday. They think she has some sort of neorological problems, and that it's going to get progressively worse, but they don't know for sure. The only way we may get answers is if we get an MRI done in a place at Bishop Auckland (miles away) and it's gonna cost in excess of 1000.

I'm debating whether theres any point, really. I know deep in my heart that theres always been something wrong with her but couldn't bring myself to admit it. I don't know if it would be kinder to put my baby to sleep, I can't bare to think she could go on having these painful fits, shes a baby, I don't want her to suffer. I just wanted to make everyone happy again.

I feel so guilty for putting everyone through this shit all over again. I've never had such a strong desire to be able to reverse things, I really wish I had just left things alone. I've fucked everything up yet again and I can't handle it.