So, after having done plenty of introspection, I realized these things about myself
1) It is good I never developed a drug/alcohol/gambling habit, because after doing a bit of on a whim reading, I discovered I possess all the typical traits of a person with an addictive personality. I impulsively while away my time doing pointless things which do not benefit me in the slightest with little self control or resistance, and my quality of life suffers for it. I am aware of this, yet it doesn't stop me from continuing onwards with the same rubbish. Fortunately, none of these things are heroin or crack, so I don't think I'm going to wind up OD'd in a gutter anytime soon, but it is disconcerting to learn that I share all the same behavioral traits as a typical needle junkie.
2) I am afraid of social contact. I don't like admitting it, but part of the reason I spend so much time by myself as a recluse is because I fear the perils of risking trying for acceptance and the inevitable rejection which typically follows. I don't go out. I don't make phone calls. I don't visit family as often as any of them would like. People usually attempt to get ahold of me, not the other way around. My life suffers, but my fear of the unknown paralyzes me, and nothing changes. I have talked to my cats more in the last three years than I have talked to non-related members of the opposite sex I think. It isn't people I fear, don't get me wrong, I go out in public all the time, and I communicate online, it is the whole talking to them part, with my voice, especially when I'm by myself, that seems to frighten some dark corner of my brain I wish would just get impaled by a railroad spike already.
3) I am horribly averse to anyone telling me what to do, and often reject what people believe to be good advice aimed at me simply because it is miss-worded as "you need to..." or "you really should.." or "If you'd just do..." etc. Is it bad that people have to word their suggestions to me carefully in order for me to even acknowledge them, even if I know it's good advice? It's really bad when I detect people doing it, because they have learned how bull-headed I am.
4) Without strict emotional control, which I analogize as me "keeping a Vulcan state of mind", my emotions will go wild like the running of the bulls. My emotions, when taken off their leash, are wild, dark, and volatile. I try to keep chill like the Dude, and logical like Spock, but in truth I'm equal parts Walter Sobchak, and Vic Vega, and I am glad for my discipline, it keeps me from becoming the most manic, maniacal sonofabitch anyone has ever met, and winding up in a mental institution. To the fantasy nerds, basically, I have the mind of a dark elf. The only problem, with all the emotional control, I have no experience in actually DEALING with my emotions when they get loose, and combined with the general social naivete my reclusiveness is responsible for, I have a very difficult time opening up to anyone emotionally without going a little bit crazy in the process and generally making an ass of myself.
5) Lastly, I realized that, at past 4:30 in the morning, the part of my brain that controls spelling apparently falls asleep at this hour, as I've had to auto-correct roughly twenty damned words already, which is quite irritating considering I pride myself on mostly proper spelling and grammar.
In any case, not looking for a reply, but feel free to if you like. Mainly, it just feels good to share with somebody my realizations.
Song of the moment btw
1) It is good I never developed a drug/alcohol/gambling habit, because after doing a bit of on a whim reading, I discovered I possess all the typical traits of a person with an addictive personality. I impulsively while away my time doing pointless things which do not benefit me in the slightest with little self control or resistance, and my quality of life suffers for it. I am aware of this, yet it doesn't stop me from continuing onwards with the same rubbish. Fortunately, none of these things are heroin or crack, so I don't think I'm going to wind up OD'd in a gutter anytime soon, but it is disconcerting to learn that I share all the same behavioral traits as a typical needle junkie.
2) I am afraid of social contact. I don't like admitting it, but part of the reason I spend so much time by myself as a recluse is because I fear the perils of risking trying for acceptance and the inevitable rejection which typically follows. I don't go out. I don't make phone calls. I don't visit family as often as any of them would like. People usually attempt to get ahold of me, not the other way around. My life suffers, but my fear of the unknown paralyzes me, and nothing changes. I have talked to my cats more in the last three years than I have talked to non-related members of the opposite sex I think. It isn't people I fear, don't get me wrong, I go out in public all the time, and I communicate online, it is the whole talking to them part, with my voice, especially when I'm by myself, that seems to frighten some dark corner of my brain I wish would just get impaled by a railroad spike already.
3) I am horribly averse to anyone telling me what to do, and often reject what people believe to be good advice aimed at me simply because it is miss-worded as "you need to..." or "you really should.." or "If you'd just do..." etc. Is it bad that people have to word their suggestions to me carefully in order for me to even acknowledge them, even if I know it's good advice? It's really bad when I detect people doing it, because they have learned how bull-headed I am.
4) Without strict emotional control, which I analogize as me "keeping a Vulcan state of mind", my emotions will go wild like the running of the bulls. My emotions, when taken off their leash, are wild, dark, and volatile. I try to keep chill like the Dude, and logical like Spock, but in truth I'm equal parts Walter Sobchak, and Vic Vega, and I am glad for my discipline, it keeps me from becoming the most manic, maniacal sonofabitch anyone has ever met, and winding up in a mental institution. To the fantasy nerds, basically, I have the mind of a dark elf. The only problem, with all the emotional control, I have no experience in actually DEALING with my emotions when they get loose, and combined with the general social naivete my reclusiveness is responsible for, I have a very difficult time opening up to anyone emotionally without going a little bit crazy in the process and generally making an ass of myself.
5) Lastly, I realized that, at past 4:30 in the morning, the part of my brain that controls spelling apparently falls asleep at this hour, as I've had to auto-correct roughly twenty damned words already, which is quite irritating considering I pride myself on mostly proper spelling and grammar.
In any case, not looking for a reply, but feel free to if you like. Mainly, it just feels good to share with somebody my realizations.
Song of the moment btw