ceremony

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!

seriously. this has got to stop.

virgil, you stupid motherfucker. i love you as my first love, but goddammit you don't stand a chance of getting back with me. especially not after you were an asshole regarding everything i wanted and got that i worked for, and not after we stopped communicating, and not after i realized that you would never do anything meaningful (even to you) with your life, and especially not after you told everyone what a terrible human being i was and how much you hated me.

and i'm supposed to crawl back like a little girl. i'm still a little girl but i'm sure as fuck not the little girl that i used to be. i'm not naive enough to get sucked back into that pseudo-romanticized bullshit.

i want to throw up and die.

and i am very, very glad that next to no one who knows me is reading this because i'm not sure i want many people to know how sick i am and how i really am scared that i'll never find anyone so doggedly devoted even in outward hatred again.

goddammit. GODDAMMIT!