celtic_cyclops

I was going to do an up post about the weekend - I had a great time in Cairns. Maybe tomorrow night I will write it.

I even had lunch with Aaronsrod today, so I should be feeling good.

Instead I feel so shit. I don't know what it is. I was downloading pics of Maxi today - lots of them. Then I stopped and realised I was doing it because she reminded me of Cheryl. Sex was not the only reason for us being a couple and in fact it was non-existent from the time the cancer was diagnosed to the end. There are so many other reasons to remember her but for some reason which I cannot explain, the only 2 images of Cheryl that jump into my head these days is her naked having sex with me (in all its many permutations) and just at the moment of her death with the tear rolling down her cheek. Often they follow in that order so I am in the midst of a reverie and then its like a PTSD flashback and I want to rewind things but can't. It is like when we first went out, I used to sit in my office replaying the previous night's adventures in my head. Except now I can't affirm it with her touch, smell, taste, voice, face. And I'm looking at the tan lines on Maxi's ass thinking that is just like Cheryl, that I have seen them day in day out for 17 years but now I will never see her again.

I just spent the last half hour upstairs holding her photo from our first holiday together, crying whilst Emily went to sleep in the next room. Four months feels like forever - I feel like saying enough, this is as much as I can stand, you can bring her back now. I can't do this anymore.