celluloid

There's all these commercials on the radio for the Overnight walk for suicide prevention. Every time I hear the voice overs be all like "I'm 36 and I lost my wife to suicide", "I'm 59 and I lost my son to suicide", all I can think is,

"I'm 22 and I lost my brother to suicide".

And I really miss him.



God has been throwing himself into my path alot lately. I don't know what he's trying to tell me. Pray more? Okay, that's easy.
I called Philip last nite. Philip the Elementary School Stud, not Philip the Photo Taking Stud. He's in school to be a God-man. I dunno what the term for non-Cathloic church leader would be. Philip called himself a "pastor". That makes sense. That's what we always called the leader of my church - I just thought it was a Pentacostal thing.
We're supposed to get together next weekend, but I'm really afraid of what he'll think of me. I think I'm living better than when I was a kiddo, but I look alot creepier. I know he's not the type to judge on looks, but I still feel afraid. I shoulda listend to my stepmom.
I know that there's gonna be questions and such... How do I explain to him that I moved because my mom was abusing me? Nobody then knew. I didn't even really come to realise the extent of the abuse until just a few years ago.

Its hard. I'm starting to regret this a little.

I just feel really sad and lonely right now. I feel like something is wrong with me. Like I'm a social leper or something....
I dunno.