cedar

last night, my friend had this look on his face that i just couldn't figure out...he was looking at me like i was crazy...like he could see something i couldn't...

well, i woke up this morning, and i was finally able to see it.

hardcore manipulation...
it feels smooth, and calm and normal...
the other person has forgiven you for your sins, and you now have something to live for! you're saved!
and you'll go about your life all the time thinking, "he forgave me again. he forgave me again. he forgave me again..." and "don't fuck it up this time. don't screw it up this time. don't be a whore this time. don't let him down this time..."

i feel like a blanket's been pulled over my head for the last couple of months, and everyone was able to see it but me. and i'm crying so hard i can't breathe. and my head is swelling w/ too much emotion, and my vision is blurred. and i'm lost, and confused, and scared. it's like recovering memories from a childhood that was supposed to belong to someone else. it's like finally waking up and realizing that that game of doctor he's been playing w/ your mind for so long, left a couple of scars.

it's always darkest before dawn...