cedar

I've been spending a lot of time lately looking into my past. Reading old journals, looking at old paintings and photographs, exploring who I was. And the things I keep getting stuck on are past relationships. Not just the ones of a romantic nature, but the friendships as well. I seem to have a pattern of meeting a person, and falling into a "fast friendship". You get really close really quick, share everything, spend all your time together. I always seem to connect to people instantly. However, if I look closer, I notice that after a few months, the person disappears. Why is that? I find a lot of the relationships I've had have ended suddenly, with little remorse or explanation. Do people really have such an easy time walking away? I'm trying to figure something out...Since I'm the only common factor in the situation, is it me, or is it the people I choose?
I don't have a "first date personality". Not for new love interests, not for friends, not for casual meetings, not for business. I've never been able to edit my personality into something that seems more appropriate for certain situations. I'm a tiny, awkward, bat-shit crazy little girl. The only way I've found to stop it from consuming me, is to totally embrace it. The day I meet you, you'll notice right off that I don't happen to filter most of what comes out of my mouth. I am totally, bluntly, and sometimes inappropriately straight forward and honest. But I can't exactly walk around carrying a sign that says "It's not because I don't care about or respect this situation. This is just how I am." I also can't explain to people that "what you see is what you get." Even if they believed me, I'm usually too much for a first encounter. So to what extent should a person pull back the reins on themselves for the comfort of others? Do I really need to watch myself, in an effort not to scare people away?
Or is it the other way around? Do I need to be watching people to make sure they're the type of person I want in my life? I've met people who said they wished for complete honesty. They believed that people should always be themselves, and be upfront about everything. I agree! However, when you do just that, people tend to change their minds about how much of it they really wanted. And on the other hand, I have met people who've said nothing alluding they'd want a life of that extent, but seem to live it, and appreciate it, without knowing.

So now I'm asking you lovely people. How much of your personality do you lock in? And how much do you let loose without fear or hesitation? How many people do you have close relationships with? How honest are you with yourself? How honest are you with them? What makes for a good friend? What makes for a good lover? And if you've ever walked away from someone, did you regret it? What made you walk away? And, if you know me, be honest....What do you see that I don't? How do I come off? What did you think of me when we first met?
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<3 ps.... go visit my friend's salon....<3