cedar

i have things now that i only drempt of having then. apartment. collection of religious inspired candles. job where i can be super creative, and get paid well for it. seven gorgeous tattoos. the knowledge that last night i walked into a hipster bar with my best friend wearing the most perfect backless shirt and mini-skirt combo known the world.

so, why do i miss 'back then' so much? there are things that happened to me on a daily basis back then that i would have no idea how to begin to handle now. i wasn't happy. life wasn't simple. but for some reason, it's haunting me. playing with my mind, and bringing me back to it. hugging me, wispering to me...like i left something behind?

i know there has to be a way to connect the two. i know there's a part of me in connecticut, waiting to be resolved....absolved.....taken in and set free. finally held and never forgotten.
i know there's a part of me rejected, abandoned. a part of me that will always look back for a moment each day, and wonder who's fault it was?
a part of me who was a mother, for just a moment.
a part of me who was a pure child.
a part of me who was lost in darkness, and woke up crying to realize the darkness had eaten time and all was missing.

is nostalgia a cure for some things? because through all this misplacement and yearning, i finally feel a little more awake.