Is it normal to sit in the dark staring at nothing thinking about random things when I'm not stoned. I think about how I would make such awesome music videos if only I had the resources. I wander around my apartment from couch to chair to bed to doorframe. Looking around the room, looking in the mirror. Not really feeling anything. I know I'm special but no one else knows it. Brandon knows, My mom knows, Sheena and marley know. But that's it. I havn't given any one else a chance to know. All I want is some human interaction. Some substance. Anything that means something. But I'm just too damn scared and all I can do is look for available people on this machine where it's safe. Where even if people do pass the judgment that I fear so much, I'll never have to look in their eyes wondering why they look so disaproving. Even though it's probably just my imagination. But how do I know. I never know. I only fear. I'm scared.
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that's exactly what i do all the friggin time:
1. think about the awesome music videos i could make if i had the resources? Check.
2. wander around aimlessly? Check.
3. not really feel anything? Check.
4. know i'm special but no one else does? Check (well most of the time i know).
5. long for human interaction but too scared to initiate it? Check.
i'm really sorry that you're so afeared. it's true it keeps us all in check. i don't mean my above list to be in anyway belittling, i was stunned as i read it, i really do do all those things all the time.
no need to apologise though, i'm notoriously slack at checking back at the site, hence my late post. i don't actually do anything else though, and the computer is sitting in my room the whole time, it's just summoning the will. sometime i even can't face electronic people.