ceallach13

I must apologize to everyone in advance. This will be wordy and at times may seem like a rant. For anyone that makes it to the end, kudos. Gold star for you.

Today is one of those days. It's my day off so I should be alone but because of the holidays my wife is also off today. Not a bad thing, it has just added to things I need to rant about.
I am flooded with thoughts today. My brain is usually going a hundred miles an hour, but today it's in overdrive.(And to all the car snobs out there, I know that 100 mph would be in overdrive, but it's just an analogy. 50 just doesn't sound as cool.) My body may be lazy, but my brain is a triathlete. The day has started off with things to quiet those thoughts. Which lead me to the bathroom to throw up. Chain smoking and getting high on an empty stomach, not such a good idea. And it also lost me a free sushi lunch because now my stomach feels like shit. Anyways, on to the first course...

Last night while I was on this site, I realized a few things. I realized one of my most negative qualities coming to the surface. After a life of being shy and feeling like an outsider, I've become quite adept at changing myself to fit in with other people or situations. I don't like doing it, but sometimes it has to be done. As someone that feels like they never fit in with anything, I would never be able to leave my house if I didn't put on a mask. And last night I caught myself bloody red-handed overtly doing this. I told myself when I started that this is the place to be 100% me. But now I realize that this whole time I've been editing everything I do to elicit the most positive response. I'm sure it's just called trying to hard. And some would say there is nothing wrong with trying to make people like you. But at what expense? Have lots of friends, but loose many parts of oneself in the process. Or be lonely but whole inside. It's a fine line and it's taking me a long time to figure out how to negotiate. Does that make sense?
Kermit the frog said it best, "It's not easy being green." It really isn't. I feel like a chameleon who's environment keeps getting changed. I can't keep up. My colors are getting muddy. I just want to be green.

One more thing about what I realized about this site.(I just wrote out about half a paragraph and had to delete it because it didn't sound good.) Well not so much the site, more like just one group. I won't name names but some of the inhabitants really push my buttons with their elitist, intellectual high grounded point of view. I've seen a lot of people publicly belittled for not adhering to what apparently is the well known norm. Scolded like little schoolchildren for not keeping up. I just don't think there is a need for all that seriousness. Where was I when the fun stopped? Right here. And it shouldn't be that way. Beautiful naked women and our collected appreciation for it should be fun. I know, I just shouldn't go back to that group. But it's a scab that I cannot stop picking. Kind of like Fox News. I hate it with a passion, but I still watch it sometimes. Maybe just to be pulled back to the reality that I am outnumbered.

And on a lighter note. My wife this morning, I don't know why, was watching Toddlers & Tiaras. What an utter fucking display of human depravity that is. Only in america, that I know of, could that happen. I mean come on. Spray tanning 6 year olds. WTF? Parents really need to stop projecting their fantasies on to their kids.(I won't even go into all the overweight moms and still in the closet dads.) There is so much wrong with that... I can't even carry on talking about it.

I guess that's it for now. I just needed to rant and rave. Sorry if any of it was offending. By tomorrow I won't remember any of it so hopefully something funny.
I leave you with something interesting to watch. I haven't seen all of it but will remedy that today. It's a clip talking about the american health care debate. And I won't go into that. That's a whole new bag of shit and I don't have time.

Cheers