cblair

It's been a few days since my last update. I really can start to feel the sense of trust with this keyboard, the mouse, the computer, the monitor and the internet. So I don't really know whats going on in my life right now. Its kind of complicated. So many decisions to make and yet no decision will have an outcome I'll be happy with. I guess it is true that choices do involve the lesser of two evils. I've definitely decided to drop my boyish tendencies and become the smart ass man I was destined to be. Life is too short to be shy and nice all the time. So I've exposed my inner jackass self and decided to tell people like it is. So far it's just pissed people off but I really don't care anymore. If someone wants to off me, well so be it. I'm ready for the big ride. Really, its almost exciting. Of course that sounds suicidal but I'm not really suicidal, I've just come to terms with death at a young age. Let this be known on the internet and all truth seekers out there, If I die, I want no worries. I've gone to a far better reckoning. It's so taboo to think about death but lately I can't help but think about it. School is dragging on and I'm ready to come home. But not my hometown home, that place is falling apart. I've realized why my town is so detrimental to all of us. Its not the town thats killing us, its the idea of the town. A town where everyone knows your name and never progresses. Progress is necessary for advancement in life and well...Carney never will have that progress. Severing all ties is the only way we can all achieve our natural given ability to enjoy freedom. I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things and just find a place to stay for a while. I'm tired of moving around. Not that I don't love to travel, I love it, I really do. But its the lack of a respected home base that I envy among others. A home I can gladly call home. Not just simply a house on the hill. My social life is crumbling right before me. And thats mainly my fault. I just choose to do what I want to do without others making me the center of attention. I hate being in the spotlight. Most call me anti social and I guess I am. I just prefer small company and I value privacy more than others. Theres no possible way I can open up completely to anyone because I can't simply open up to myself yet. So much shit I know and so little methods to condense it. I find this blog is really my only coping mechanism lately. Its the one safe place I can put anything I want and worry about answering for my actions later. Its a Procrastination Paradise here on myspace. I guess, I've vented enough for all to see and read. Most will probably think I'm a self centered ass, and thats mainly true. But even though I can be self centered, I find I'm the one saving most everyone else from their own hell.