Strange how violently one can swing from okay to not-okay. Had a decent night. Work didn't suck, and then I found Nolan and we went to DJs. Talked a lot of philosophy. I hung out with him for a bit after that, watched some Adult Swim. He was going to bed; I went back to my room to practice guitar and maybe get some reading done.
And then suddenly, it was as though I'd been scooped hollow, and I thought, Christ, no, no, I will NOT do this again, I will NOT enter this cycle, I refuse you, I kill you, I unthink you; but even that act was an acknowledgment of the emptiness, which only perpetuated it. And I couldn't be alone anymore, not for another second.
Thankfully, Nolan was nice enough to let me interrupt his sleep to sit in his room for a few minutes and calm down (I tried to leave without bothering you; I really am sorry about all of that, but I didn't know what else to do), and I do feel better now.
It was unnerving, though. This kind of thing is what had me all fucked up last year, but I will not lie around and feel sorry for myself anymore. My soul simply cannot handle it. It's always just when I think I've conquered my fears that they rear up and bite me... but I realize that I have nothing to fear.
Nothing.
I won't fear abandonment because I am not alone; I have amazing friends and family who love me.
I won't fear solitude because I am not defined or completed by another human being; I am already complete because I exist; because if I was half-nothing, I wouldn't Be. I couldn't Be. But I Am. I live. I am whole and loved and love in return; and this means that I have the wealth of all creation at my disposal.
I won't fear fear because that's just plain stupid.
"I swear--by my life and my love of it--that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine." Ayn Rand. Once, I held myself to that standard almost effortlessly. Somewhere, I floundered and still have not recovered. I vow to; I want to; I can; I will.
Everything I experience is a matter of perspective; and though all I know is that I may very well know nothing, that I have no way of knowing what is and isn't real except for what my senses tell me is, I am still liberated, because I can choose to ignore that which harms me. My life is mine; my reality is mine. I abhor a vacuum, which is nothing; nothing cannot exist; if I am nothing, I do not exist. I die. I un-Be.
So I choose to fill it and Be; I choose not to die; I choose to live.
I have nothing to lose but fear.
And then suddenly, it was as though I'd been scooped hollow, and I thought, Christ, no, no, I will NOT do this again, I will NOT enter this cycle, I refuse you, I kill you, I unthink you; but even that act was an acknowledgment of the emptiness, which only perpetuated it. And I couldn't be alone anymore, not for another second.
Thankfully, Nolan was nice enough to let me interrupt his sleep to sit in his room for a few minutes and calm down (I tried to leave without bothering you; I really am sorry about all of that, but I didn't know what else to do), and I do feel better now.
It was unnerving, though. This kind of thing is what had me all fucked up last year, but I will not lie around and feel sorry for myself anymore. My soul simply cannot handle it. It's always just when I think I've conquered my fears that they rear up and bite me... but I realize that I have nothing to fear.
Nothing.
I won't fear abandonment because I am not alone; I have amazing friends and family who love me.
I won't fear solitude because I am not defined or completed by another human being; I am already complete because I exist; because if I was half-nothing, I wouldn't Be. I couldn't Be. But I Am. I live. I am whole and loved and love in return; and this means that I have the wealth of all creation at my disposal.
I won't fear fear because that's just plain stupid.
"I swear--by my life and my love of it--that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine." Ayn Rand. Once, I held myself to that standard almost effortlessly. Somewhere, I floundered and still have not recovered. I vow to; I want to; I can; I will.
Everything I experience is a matter of perspective; and though all I know is that I may very well know nothing, that I have no way of knowing what is and isn't real except for what my senses tell me is, I am still liberated, because I can choose to ignore that which harms me. My life is mine; my reality is mine. I abhor a vacuum, which is nothing; nothing cannot exist; if I am nothing, I do not exist. I die. I un-Be.
So I choose to fill it and Be; I choose not to die; I choose to live.
I have nothing to lose but fear.
