On Idiots Who Pretend to Be Smart
A Dissection
I recently had the dubious (dis)pleasure of being roped into what some people might--and apparently would--term a "flamewar". Personally, I prefer "spirited debate," though I guess when it degraded into the Mom jokes, it became rather more inflammatory. I maintain, however, that on a sliding scale, it falls somewhere between "lit match" and "abnormally luminescent candle."
Whatever.
Now, I won't get into the details, because they're not all that relevant. Let's just assume--as one must always assume--that I'm right and everyone else is wrong; or, rather, that there are those possessed of certain critical deficiencies in the "sense of irony" department and are thus rendered incapable of laughing at themselves. Which is okay, really, because I laugh at them enough for everyone. I even throw in a complimentary finger-pointing, because I'm just that damn generous.
Always lookin' out for people. That's me.
Take the following example:
Me: [Words per minute] has nothing to do with anything; if you're touch-typing, you're proofreading as you go. And what's to stop you from going back and perusing before you hit that enter key? Nothing, methinks. But the fact that you misspelled "sentence" every time you wrote it is, to me, just indicative of a deficiency. Possibly even a character flaw. A major one. But don't worry. I'm sure Jesus loves you anyway. Or something.
Douchess of York: Oh my you guys! I didn't realize that a TYPO could be indicative of a character flaw!!
Methinks you need to pull that stick out of your ass.
Okay; maybe I really am the asshole here, but somehow--to me--a phrase like "I'm sure Jesus loves you anyway. Or something" mitigates the preceding sentences, rendering them "ironic" or "dryly humorous" or even "smartassesque"--or whatever the adjective is. Certainly nothing that reads "omg you cant spell so ur going to t3h h3110rz!!1! o_0 0_o o_0," right?
But I guess subtleties are lost on some people.
And by "some people," I mean "retards."
By "retards," I mean people with rhetorical skills diametrically opposed to their self-importance: though they can't argue worth a damn, they think themselves (and I'm couching this in dumbass terms so everyone can understand) teh l33t or teh aw3s0me or teh whatever it is they think they are. Which is, interestingly, antithetical to the reality.
So--silly me; I always feel compelled to go and point this out. I am then faced with any number of pitiful responses, which I summarize thus:
1. Well, you're just a stupid bitch.
2. The schizophrenia made me do it.
3. The spell-check made me do it.
4. The gnomes made me do it.
5. Nuh-uh! YOU are!
6. Yeah, well, I had a 5,001,785.2 GPA and was president of the Canasta Club in high school, so it doesn't matter that I can't spell or arrange my thoughts in any logical order because I HAVE NUMERIC VALIDATION! Who's the douche now? *titter*
7. *yawn* // "WhatEVerrrr." // "Did someone say something?"
8. *shockandawe* I am INDIGNANT! How DARE you suggest I hold myself accountable for being a douche! It's people like you who are the root of evil in the world! Why can't you just grab your ankles and let me feel good about myself for once? Don't you realize that your entire purpose in life should be to elevate those who don't actually deserve it because it makes them FEEL like they're as smart as you are? Even though they're not? And I'm too dumb to know that I'm a communist, though I'll happily call you one? You commie. I bet you kick puppies, too.
Then their friends magically materialize and they all hi-five and circle jerk and congratulate one another on their awesome comebacks, and how my ass totally got pwned!!1!!! Only all they really did was cop out because, uh, that's what inept people do. I mean, really. Leave the puppies out of it, okay?
I could go on and on, but I'm getting disinterested (as I'm sure you are), so let me just leave you with this little summary: Bitches who accuse me of being a bitch and then have nothing to say when I a.) acknowledge the fact and then b.) point to certain pots and kettles lying around in various stages of blackness really have no business getting all pissy. Similarly, people who are intimidated by words like "grandiose" and can't spell two syllable words sans-spellcheck have negative business decimating others' writing, especially when their so-called "advice" is just dead wrong. So, while I may not be able to explicate "non-restrictive clause" offhand, I KNOW that the quality of my face has approximately jack to do with the fact that "have-nots" isn't possessive and doesn't require a fucking apostrophe, so don't tell me that it does.
And, your mom.
I think we're done here.
Love and cuddles,
Cavatica
P.S. -- Still the prettiest.
A Dissection
I recently had the dubious (dis)pleasure of being roped into what some people might--and apparently would--term a "flamewar". Personally, I prefer "spirited debate," though I guess when it degraded into the Mom jokes, it became rather more inflammatory. I maintain, however, that on a sliding scale, it falls somewhere between "lit match" and "abnormally luminescent candle."
Whatever.
Now, I won't get into the details, because they're not all that relevant. Let's just assume--as one must always assume--that I'm right and everyone else is wrong; or, rather, that there are those possessed of certain critical deficiencies in the "sense of irony" department and are thus rendered incapable of laughing at themselves. Which is okay, really, because I laugh at them enough for everyone. I even throw in a complimentary finger-pointing, because I'm just that damn generous.
Always lookin' out for people. That's me.
Take the following example:
Me: [Words per minute] has nothing to do with anything; if you're touch-typing, you're proofreading as you go. And what's to stop you from going back and perusing before you hit that enter key? Nothing, methinks. But the fact that you misspelled "sentence" every time you wrote it is, to me, just indicative of a deficiency. Possibly even a character flaw. A major one. But don't worry. I'm sure Jesus loves you anyway. Or something.
Douchess of York: Oh my you guys! I didn't realize that a TYPO could be indicative of a character flaw!!
Methinks you need to pull that stick out of your ass.
Okay; maybe I really am the asshole here, but somehow--to me--a phrase like "I'm sure Jesus loves you anyway. Or something" mitigates the preceding sentences, rendering them "ironic" or "dryly humorous" or even "smartassesque"--or whatever the adjective is. Certainly nothing that reads "omg you cant spell so ur going to t3h h3110rz!!1! o_0 0_o o_0," right?
But I guess subtleties are lost on some people.
And by "some people," I mean "retards."
By "retards," I mean people with rhetorical skills diametrically opposed to their self-importance: though they can't argue worth a damn, they think themselves (and I'm couching this in dumbass terms so everyone can understand) teh l33t or teh aw3s0me or teh whatever it is they think they are. Which is, interestingly, antithetical to the reality.
So--silly me; I always feel compelled to go and point this out. I am then faced with any number of pitiful responses, which I summarize thus:
1. Well, you're just a stupid bitch.
2. The schizophrenia made me do it.
3. The spell-check made me do it.
4. The gnomes made me do it.
5. Nuh-uh! YOU are!
6. Yeah, well, I had a 5,001,785.2 GPA and was president of the Canasta Club in high school, so it doesn't matter that I can't spell or arrange my thoughts in any logical order because I HAVE NUMERIC VALIDATION! Who's the douche now? *titter*
7. *yawn* // "WhatEVerrrr." // "Did someone say something?"
8. *shockandawe* I am INDIGNANT! How DARE you suggest I hold myself accountable for being a douche! It's people like you who are the root of evil in the world! Why can't you just grab your ankles and let me feel good about myself for once? Don't you realize that your entire purpose in life should be to elevate those who don't actually deserve it because it makes them FEEL like they're as smart as you are? Even though they're not? And I'm too dumb to know that I'm a communist, though I'll happily call you one? You commie. I bet you kick puppies, too.
Then their friends magically materialize and they all hi-five and circle jerk and congratulate one another on their awesome comebacks, and how my ass totally got pwned!!1!!! Only all they really did was cop out because, uh, that's what inept people do. I mean, really. Leave the puppies out of it, okay?
I could go on and on, but I'm getting disinterested (as I'm sure you are), so let me just leave you with this little summary: Bitches who accuse me of being a bitch and then have nothing to say when I a.) acknowledge the fact and then b.) point to certain pots and kettles lying around in various stages of blackness really have no business getting all pissy. Similarly, people who are intimidated by words like "grandiose" and can't spell two syllable words sans-spellcheck have negative business decimating others' writing, especially when their so-called "advice" is just dead wrong. So, while I may not be able to explicate "non-restrictive clause" offhand, I KNOW that the quality of my face has approximately jack to do with the fact that "have-nots" isn't possessive and doesn't require a fucking apostrophe, so don't tell me that it does.
And, your mom.
I think we're done here.
Love and cuddles,
Cavatica
P.S. -- Still the prettiest.