So this is the new year and I dont feel any different
The bruise on my ass from hitting rock bottom tells a different story. The external changes can be seen in the darkness under my eyes. The internal changes are all mine and my body still aches from climbing out of the hole.
But after conception, your body lay cold
And withered through autumn and you found yourself old
Can you tell me why you have been so sad?
There were days when the distance between each smile was endless. Those dark places, corners long ignored, suppressed and forgotten are scary places to dwell but necessary to learn, understand and begin to heal. I spent hours there, dusting off the cobwebs and installing recessed lighting.
Shes an extraordinary girl in an ordinary world
Once there I couldnt leave. I needed to spend some time; to learn; to understand. In order to move forward I had to live in the present not dwell in the future. Getting ahead of myself overwhelmed me and caused me to remain stationary.
She gets so sick of crying
Self-doubt and uncertainty have been my companions far too long. I have to stop thinking so much. I need to start doing and continue walking.
Im walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the borderline of the edge
And where I walk alone
I had to shut everyone out. My strength had to be found. I was the only one that could fix my spirit, my essence, rediscover me.
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing thats beating
Nothing around me mattered. I was lost in those areas of no light. I was walking empty through my days. Accomplishing only what I had to. Doing nothing more than existing. No one could make me smile. No one could make me feel good about myself. No one could fix me. I was alone. I needed to be alone.
Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I cant remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented?
Or am I disturbed?
The space thats in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded?
Or am I just overjoyed?
Nobodys perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word and thats my best excuse
My name holds power and Ive realized the importance of living up to the responsibility my mother bestowed upon me. I wear my name on my wrist and it is a constant reminder of who I want to be. The power I used to possess but somewhere somehow lost. I am finding myself. I am healing.
Sometimes I think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again
At the blackest, I lost music. Emerging has brought a reconnection with the power of rhythm and word. Ive just begun to realize how much I miss the time I used to spend in my car commuting to work every day. My time to tune out the world and listen to my music. Roll down the windows and sing along at the top of my lungs, bang on the steering wheel to the beat of the music, bounce my head around and not care what people thought of me if they caught a glimpse of my me time. My alone time in the car has greatly diminished, but instead of whining about it, Im going to take advantage of what little time I do have in my car with my music.
Its so good to be back. Ive missed you all so very much. Thank you to those that sent me words of encouragement. A special thank you to Josephene who listened to many of my tears. A woman who is an inexhaustible source of encouragement and comfort even when faced with her own life.
The bruise on my ass from hitting rock bottom tells a different story. The external changes can be seen in the darkness under my eyes. The internal changes are all mine and my body still aches from climbing out of the hole.
But after conception, your body lay cold
And withered through autumn and you found yourself old
Can you tell me why you have been so sad?
There were days when the distance between each smile was endless. Those dark places, corners long ignored, suppressed and forgotten are scary places to dwell but necessary to learn, understand and begin to heal. I spent hours there, dusting off the cobwebs and installing recessed lighting.
Shes an extraordinary girl in an ordinary world
Once there I couldnt leave. I needed to spend some time; to learn; to understand. In order to move forward I had to live in the present not dwell in the future. Getting ahead of myself overwhelmed me and caused me to remain stationary.
She gets so sick of crying
Self-doubt and uncertainty have been my companions far too long. I have to stop thinking so much. I need to start doing and continue walking.
Im walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the borderline of the edge
And where I walk alone
I had to shut everyone out. My strength had to be found. I was the only one that could fix my spirit, my essence, rediscover me.
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing thats beating
Nothing around me mattered. I was lost in those areas of no light. I was walking empty through my days. Accomplishing only what I had to. Doing nothing more than existing. No one could make me smile. No one could make me feel good about myself. No one could fix me. I was alone. I needed to be alone.
Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I cant remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented?
Or am I disturbed?
The space thats in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded?
Or am I just overjoyed?
Nobodys perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word and thats my best excuse
My name holds power and Ive realized the importance of living up to the responsibility my mother bestowed upon me. I wear my name on my wrist and it is a constant reminder of who I want to be. The power I used to possess but somewhere somehow lost. I am finding myself. I am healing.
Sometimes I think this cycle never ends
We slide from top to bottom then we turn and climb again
At the blackest, I lost music. Emerging has brought a reconnection with the power of rhythm and word. Ive just begun to realize how much I miss the time I used to spend in my car commuting to work every day. My time to tune out the world and listen to my music. Roll down the windows and sing along at the top of my lungs, bang on the steering wheel to the beat of the music, bounce my head around and not care what people thought of me if they caught a glimpse of my me time. My alone time in the car has greatly diminished, but instead of whining about it, Im going to take advantage of what little time I do have in my car with my music.
Its so good to be back. Ive missed you all so very much. Thank you to those that sent me words of encouragement. A special thank you to Josephene who listened to many of my tears. A woman who is an inexhaustible source of encouragement and comfort even when faced with her own life.
VIEW 25 of 34 COMMENTS
The first thing that Id like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you
If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
Id save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with
If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with