He signs on. I haven't talked to him in awhile so I IM him. Just seeing his name on my buddy list makes me nervous. He doesn't respond. It hurts. I kinda feel like saying, "Fuck you!" He'd probably be confused. I have no reason for that... I mean, I can't hate him for not wanting to go out with me.
Ah, he finally responds when I say, "I got my eyebrow pierced!"
"oh cool" then "how's it going?"
Ah, he says, "slighty drunk" when I ask how he's doing. I guess that could explain the amount of time it took for the response...
(doesn't explain it for the times when he's not drunk though)
Sigh. I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish. I can't MAKE him be better friends with me and he has a right to think something of it when I keep asking him to do things with me--he knows I like him more than as a friend (or different than as a friend, perhaps)
Why do I have to like him so much??
I have a million reasons not to like him. He has the "really nice" and "musician" thing counting in his favor but he's really not... well, I'm like this radical, vegan, hairy, bisexual... add a bunch of other stuff... very passionate, intense, fat chick and he's very... nonchalant, he likes everybody, moderate... I don't know... I mean, we could be compatible but it's not likely...
What do we have in common?
Music.
Yes, music.
There's no need to analyze. And fuck, even if he had given me a chance...
I don't know. I just can't admit to myself that there wasn't ever a possibility. I still can't admit that there isn't one. I still think that he's going to come to his senses or whatever. I still think that the world fucking revolves around me. I guess I think that after he gets dumped enough he'll realize that Cat! is there... good ol' Cat!.
Cat! is "the sweetest girl."
Ugh.
Just not attracted to me...
That's the deal. Nobody's ever fucking attracted to me.
God, I don't think John even likes me anymore. Not that I want him. But... I don't know... there was a point where I did...
I'm not making sense.
And the truth is, I'm really not even interested in GUYS. I wish I could meet girls...
But Ryan, I can't get over Ryan. Not that there is anything to get over... I mean, it's JUST A FUCKING CRUSH.
A crush.
I can tell myself I'm in love with him. I've been telling myself I'm in love with him. But that doesn't fucking make sense.
I had one of those weird chasing him dreams last night. It was really weird though. I can't even describe it.
I'm always having these dreams where I'm trying to find people. I never can. And when I do I lose them again.
I should stop.
Now where is that fucking storm? It's been raining but that's it. Isidore! Where the fuck are you?
Ah, he finally responds when I say, "I got my eyebrow pierced!"
"oh cool" then "how's it going?"
Ah, he says, "slighty drunk" when I ask how he's doing. I guess that could explain the amount of time it took for the response...
(doesn't explain it for the times when he's not drunk though)
Sigh. I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish. I can't MAKE him be better friends with me and he has a right to think something of it when I keep asking him to do things with me--he knows I like him more than as a friend (or different than as a friend, perhaps)
Why do I have to like him so much??
I have a million reasons not to like him. He has the "really nice" and "musician" thing counting in his favor but he's really not... well, I'm like this radical, vegan, hairy, bisexual... add a bunch of other stuff... very passionate, intense, fat chick and he's very... nonchalant, he likes everybody, moderate... I don't know... I mean, we could be compatible but it's not likely...
What do we have in common?
Music.
Yes, music.
There's no need to analyze. And fuck, even if he had given me a chance...
I don't know. I just can't admit to myself that there wasn't ever a possibility. I still can't admit that there isn't one. I still think that he's going to come to his senses or whatever. I still think that the world fucking revolves around me. I guess I think that after he gets dumped enough he'll realize that Cat! is there... good ol' Cat!.
Cat! is "the sweetest girl."
Ugh.
Just not attracted to me...
That's the deal. Nobody's ever fucking attracted to me.
God, I don't think John even likes me anymore. Not that I want him. But... I don't know... there was a point where I did...
I'm not making sense.
And the truth is, I'm really not even interested in GUYS. I wish I could meet girls...
But Ryan, I can't get over Ryan. Not that there is anything to get over... I mean, it's JUST A FUCKING CRUSH.
A crush.
I can tell myself I'm in love with him. I've been telling myself I'm in love with him. But that doesn't fucking make sense.
I had one of those weird chasing him dreams last night. It was really weird though. I can't even describe it.
I'm always having these dreams where I'm trying to find people. I never can. And when I do I lose them again.
I should stop.
Now where is that fucking storm? It's been raining but that's it. Isidore! Where the fuck are you?
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
you like him cuz hes alooof or dosnt like you that way
time to (i know its hard) find a new crush find someone to chase you you deserve better plus it sounds like this hole things a big pain in your ass
And she is currently travelling the world leaving a trail of boys in her wake. Right now she is in Amsterdam, and we were chatting the other day, and she was actually having to make distinctions between "my Dutch boy" and "my Dutch-Persian boy".
Which I bring up by way of telling you: whatever you are, there are people out there who think it is the most awesome thing ever. Obviously, you are not the same person as my Cat, but you talk about all these qualities of yours as if they are slightly negative, working against you even though you can't change them.
In my Cat, they are luminously, enticingly positive.
The thing is, you have to consider not only how you feel about someone, but how they make *you* feel about *you*. I'm an expert on how easy it is to fritter away oodles of time pining for someone who makes you feel increasingly wretched about everything you are, because they can't or won't reciprocate. And it's incredibly easy to tell yourself, "I have to cling to this, because I may never feel this again, and besides I am wretched."
But...
You *will* feel it again.
You are not wretched.
You are luminous and enticing
And someone out there is passionately wishing a radical vegan bisexual activist girl would tumble into his/her life.
Be that girl.
Be luminous and enticing.
Be Cat!