catculus

I got really drunk last night with my sister. I should have been studying. In fact I should be studying now and actually, I should have been studying all weekend. It's so much easier to mope around and complain about being lonely and play on the internet than actually do something productive that'll make me forget all of that other shit.

I tutored twice today: the kids I tutor four times a week (they're homeschooled--I go check their homework and go over any problems they missed with them), and the kid I tutor once a week. While driving I kept listening to Braid "Painting Nebraska" over and over and over again.

I wish I could quit thinking about her. I called last night when I was drunk, left a drunken message. Maybe I really should just take her number out of my phone but when I asked if I should she didn't answer that part, just gave me the bit about how she doesn't know who she is and what she's doing and that's why she hasn't called. I wish she wouldn't tell me she likes me--it would be easier if she'd say she didn't like me. I wish she hadn't kissed me and sometimes I even wish we never met. In my letter I questioned why we met. I figure that it was so random there must have been a reason (which probably sounds weird coming from a strong atheist). I still don't know what the reason is.

It's been over a month since I've seen her or spoken to her. I'm not sure why I thought it would be different this time--probably because she kissed me and she was single and maybe I thought it was finally my chance. Maybe it would be nice if I could get some sort of closure.