Well, that was a shitty weekend.
I'm done bending over backwards for people. Especially guys. I got treated SO horribly this weekend by a guy I have love and respect and compassion for, who I thought had similar feelings for me. We are friends and fuckbuddies. But he was so selfish and absentmindedly cruel I don't know if I ever ever want to be with him again.
How shitty. I never, ever expected him to be that much of a jerk.
To top it off, I went to a party ( I HATE parties) and it was lame. I barely got to talk to the host of honor, and the people that were there...god. I met these people like 4 years ago. None of us really had our lives together, you know, but that was fine. Now, some of those people are no better off for themselves than they were the day I met them. Same story, different day. And they're not happy stories. Four years ago the alkie skank crashing out on the couch 15 minutes into the party was amusing, trademark even. Now it's boring and just sad. There was this trio of 18-year-olds there too, god only knows how they came to know the host, but they were on a journey cross-country. You know, the whole "finding yourself" journey. Ah, to be young and have a soul again. They claimed to be hippies, bouncing from Rainbow Gathering to beaches to camping, fueled by shrooms and copious amounts of alcohol and pot and acid and all the other trademark hippie hallucinogens. But in reality they're mooches and thieves, and I understand that's sometimes how you have to get by when you're hitchiking across America, but that doesn't mean I respect it or want to hear them bragging about how they steal people's drinks in Vegas. In any event, I started feeling kind of an ugly vibe, so I split.
On my way home, it occured to me I've been forced to lose my edge a little. I used to strut around Hollywood Boulevard at 2am and not think twice. No one was gonna fuck with me and if they did they'd be sorry. (I've never thrown a punch in my life, but I can put up a brutal facade once in a while.) But walking down a dark street at midnight gave me the willies like you wouldn't believe. A big black guy with two hookers kept mad-dogging me as I went in and out of the hotel (yet another point of contention with the jerk du jour,) and I had to park like two blocks away because I was nervous about parking my car on the same street where there were three guys, standing together, all talking on their phones. It's midnight, what are you doing?? I thought, "I can't get hurt, I can't throw down if I need to. I have responsibilities now, big ones. I can't be a nanny with a shiner, or worse. I can't have my household woken up in the middle of the night because I need help, or am in the hospital, or whatever. I can't bring drama or sadness here. Not that I'm upset that I'm not getting into trouble, I just hate being so worried about it now. When I lived alone I could go out, drink like a fish, fuck all night and go to work a little worse for the wear, but not bad. Try doing that now? No way. I try not to even come home later than midnight because I stress they'll think less of me.
I've been trapped in very dangerous and unhealthy situations before. Now I find myself trapped in safety and mid-level luxury. A step up to be sure, but equally as frustrating. I really dislike not having options. I know, put me in the WAAAAH-mbulance, right. This is what I mean when I say I have nothing to complain about but am frustrated nevertheless. I feel like an asshole.
My best friend made me feel so bad the other day. i really needed her for something, and she was stauch in her resolution that, if her boyfriend didn't want to go, she wasn't going to. I get so sick of this sometimes. It has to be her way, which is always his way, and I know he gets tired of me and the two of them can be so selfish sometimes. It fucking hurts, because I'm always there for her goddammit. Even when I was going through my drama with my demon ex, I always listened to her or came to her if she needed me. Now she decides (or rather, lets him decide) if I need her or not. I've been number two for a while now. And I feel like I'm being taken for granted.
Not to mention the subject of the first paragraph disrespected me SO deeply, words cannot even express. I feel like I'm losing my friends because I'm being too nice, too agreeable, too giving. What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Why isn't anyone as nice to me as I am to them? Why do I have to supress a trait that is so much a part of who I am, just to get some fucking respect? I am honestly really, really bad at being a bitch!
For the first time in a long time, I feel like hurting myself. I won't, I don't do that anymore. But I want too. (The monthly mood dip isn't helping, and I know that's what 60% of this current craziness is.) I used to hurt myself when no one was paying attention to me, because I thought it would make them think about not having me around and thus hopefully make them value me a little more. I can't believe I'm reverting to that level of thinking. How fucking lame. Someone please me the bad noise stop.
.
I'm done bending over backwards for people. Especially guys. I got treated SO horribly this weekend by a guy I have love and respect and compassion for, who I thought had similar feelings for me. We are friends and fuckbuddies. But he was so selfish and absentmindedly cruel I don't know if I ever ever want to be with him again.
How shitty. I never, ever expected him to be that much of a jerk. To top it off, I went to a party ( I HATE parties) and it was lame. I barely got to talk to the host of honor, and the people that were there...god. I met these people like 4 years ago. None of us really had our lives together, you know, but that was fine. Now, some of those people are no better off for themselves than they were the day I met them. Same story, different day. And they're not happy stories. Four years ago the alkie skank crashing out on the couch 15 minutes into the party was amusing, trademark even. Now it's boring and just sad. There was this trio of 18-year-olds there too, god only knows how they came to know the host, but they were on a journey cross-country. You know, the whole "finding yourself" journey. Ah, to be young and have a soul again. They claimed to be hippies, bouncing from Rainbow Gathering to beaches to camping, fueled by shrooms and copious amounts of alcohol and pot and acid and all the other trademark hippie hallucinogens. But in reality they're mooches and thieves, and I understand that's sometimes how you have to get by when you're hitchiking across America, but that doesn't mean I respect it or want to hear them bragging about how they steal people's drinks in Vegas. In any event, I started feeling kind of an ugly vibe, so I split.
On my way home, it occured to me I've been forced to lose my edge a little. I used to strut around Hollywood Boulevard at 2am and not think twice. No one was gonna fuck with me and if they did they'd be sorry. (I've never thrown a punch in my life, but I can put up a brutal facade once in a while.) But walking down a dark street at midnight gave me the willies like you wouldn't believe. A big black guy with two hookers kept mad-dogging me as I went in and out of the hotel (yet another point of contention with the jerk du jour,) and I had to park like two blocks away because I was nervous about parking my car on the same street where there were three guys, standing together, all talking on their phones. It's midnight, what are you doing?? I thought, "I can't get hurt, I can't throw down if I need to. I have responsibilities now, big ones. I can't be a nanny with a shiner, or worse. I can't have my household woken up in the middle of the night because I need help, or am in the hospital, or whatever. I can't bring drama or sadness here. Not that I'm upset that I'm not getting into trouble, I just hate being so worried about it now. When I lived alone I could go out, drink like a fish, fuck all night and go to work a little worse for the wear, but not bad. Try doing that now? No way. I try not to even come home later than midnight because I stress they'll think less of me.
I've been trapped in very dangerous and unhealthy situations before. Now I find myself trapped in safety and mid-level luxury. A step up to be sure, but equally as frustrating. I really dislike not having options. I know, put me in the WAAAAH-mbulance, right. This is what I mean when I say I have nothing to complain about but am frustrated nevertheless. I feel like an asshole.
My best friend made me feel so bad the other day. i really needed her for something, and she was stauch in her resolution that, if her boyfriend didn't want to go, she wasn't going to. I get so sick of this sometimes. It has to be her way, which is always his way, and I know he gets tired of me and the two of them can be so selfish sometimes. It fucking hurts, because I'm always there for her goddammit. Even when I was going through my drama with my demon ex, I always listened to her or came to her if she needed me. Now she decides (or rather, lets him decide) if I need her or not. I've been number two for a while now. And I feel like I'm being taken for granted.
Not to mention the subject of the first paragraph disrespected me SO deeply, words cannot even express. I feel like I'm losing my friends because I'm being too nice, too agreeable, too giving. What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Why isn't anyone as nice to me as I am to them? Why do I have to supress a trait that is so much a part of who I am, just to get some fucking respect? I am honestly really, really bad at being a bitch!
For the first time in a long time, I feel like hurting myself. I won't, I don't do that anymore. But I want too. (The monthly mood dip isn't helping, and I know that's what 60% of this current craziness is.) I used to hurt myself when no one was paying attention to me, because I thought it would make them think about not having me around and thus hopefully make them value me a little more. I can't believe I'm reverting to that level of thinking. How fucking lame. Someone please me the bad noise stop.
.
Shane