commuting to work for three days a week, trying to help take care of a sick boyfriend, and trying to piece somewhat of a normal life together is exhausting.
I honestly want nothing more than to get a permanent job in Rochester, be able to move my stuff up here from FL (it's 2300$ to ship my PODS unit), get my own place instead of renting a dinky little shoebox room, and settle down.
I want to be able to breathe and not feel like I'm in a pressure cooler about to blow.
I recently lost a good friend. No, she didn't die or anything. I just realized that it was time to cut this person out of my life. She had asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding back in October. Of course I said yes and I was happy for her. Come January, and I'm finally in a good relationship and my boyfriend gets diagnosed with cancer. Of course I want to talk to her about it. But she completely brushed it off and just seemed disinterested in how him or I were doing. I hadn't heard from her since I told her unless it was about wedding stuff. On top of which she wanted the bachelorette party in June... She's not getting married until October. Also, I have never met her fiancé. I had been good friends with this girl for many years and she couldn't even make it a point to have us meet?
When I told her I was backing out as a bridesmaid she said she understood and she hopes I would still come to the wedding. She didn't even ask how Pat was doing or how I was doing. I can't even explain how much that hurts.
I'm trying not to dump so much of me feeling so upset and broken about it in Pat, but we talk about everything and it's so hard not to. He's fighting his battles right now, the last thing he needs is me to fall back into one of my tunnels of depression.
In other news his fundraiser went well. Raised a lot of money for bills and expenses since he's barely working. There are still some tshirts for sale to support his friend Laura as she runs a race in honor of him and all proceeds are donated to him.
If you're interested in helping out and getting a kick ass fuck cancer shirt you can get them
http://www.tfund.com/teamcoozy2
We need at least ten bought for a batch to go out. So please help!!
He had his second treatment of chemo the other day and it's kicking his ass. I feel completely useless at times because he barely listens to my advice or my knowledge. I'm afraid of what our relationship will be like when he's done with chemo and radiation and if he'll still feel the same way or if he'll end up kicking me to the curb. I feel like such a burden to him sometimes. I know I come with a lot of baggage and I'm high maintenance but I love him so much and he makes me happy. I haven't ever had such a civilized relationship with someone where we are so in sync it's crazy.
Anyway I'm rambling and it's bedtime. I have three more lovely night shifts to work.
Love and light xoxo
