cas1nova

Marriage, its something that I have always looked at with all the puzzlement and admiration that it deserves. Ive never really felt that anyone has very much accepted me or cared for me for just being me, and well marriage in my mind always represented this. I guess thats why Ive always envied people that were married, which Ive never really had any reason to. With how I grew up with how miserable my parents and other peoples marriages were. With how people used marriage as a Band-Aid for their issues and problems, I had no reason to be envious or even want to be married. It sucks, its hard and a lot of fing work. It takes a lot of time and effort to form the kind of trust and bond that keeps two people together. You know its easy to be loved by your family and parents, they had plenty of time to be around you, know you for who you really are. They love you because they see you for who you are, the individual you hide deep inside yourself to keep it safe and sound from the people who might try to harm you. But for someone else, a complete stranger to see this and for one to allow your weak and afraid child that we all hold inside to be free to meet this individual, well its a terribly beautiful thing. It would seem that everyone now a days abuses this privilege out of fear of abandonment and non-reciprocation. Maybe the fear that the person who they have entrusted with the care of all their fears and insecurities might someday use their weakness against them, because this has the potential to break a person. Fear, it is a horrible thing, it drives us to silence and isolation. To keep things from each other, to seek solace in another who has nothing to do with you (because you dont have to worry that they will ever be able to cause you any harm). But the thing that most people understand is that even at the worst times, when you have someone else (unless this someone else isnt human or married for the wrong reasons), you arent ever alone even though you might feel like you are. You have someone who understands your reasons for doing things, takes pride in your joys even though they might not show it, and is there to give you a helping hand that you dont ever have to be afraid about having to payback. Sometimes we get married before we should, and sometimes we really fuck things up for stupid reasons but thats the nature of life. You have to experience to learn, you have to be taught to truly understand, and stride in order to form your own way. Im a little lion man for now, but maybe (hopefully sometime soon) I can reach deep inside this castle of mine and find my heart again and be a person again. Allow myself to care for others once again, until then I have to make sure I dont drink enough to loose my restrains that I have given myself. Ha, silly little lion man, silly little me. I will continue to be envious for now, even when Im told I shouldnt be.