There was some discussion of female-to-male head on the Sex boards, which led me to some of longstanding questions on the subject of straight couples and their feelings about giving each other head.
Straight women tend to complain about "having" to give head. My g/f, who has been married for 16 years now, has said more than once that no woman likes giving a man head, or at least doesn't want to swallow. But I know four or five straight women who say they **love** giving head, and two of them almost always add "and I swallow".
Straight men tend to complain about "getting" head, but some of the things they say about the women who do or enjoy the very things they find erotic are contradictory. They want a woman to "swallow", but think women who swallow are slags. The idea of ejaculating on a woman's face is highly erotic, but a woman who "lets" them ejaculate on her face is a slag; a oft-repeated joke involves "why don't you respect me; because you let me come on your face".
So what I'm curious about is how much of this is rote? Are "good girls" supposed to dislike giving head, whether they do or not? And do straight men really look down on a woman who so obviously enjoys doing what men say they want? What about women who enjoy anal sex?
There is a similar kind of dichotomy among lesbians. The overwhelming majority of women---barring those with physiological problems that make it uncomfortable or distressing---enjoy penetration. To paraphrase 'troll, that is not the Lesbian Feminist Way. I believe it to be the truth, but it is one of those problematic truths that are charged with issues quite apart from sex.
The problem is one of perspective. Lesbians spend a lot of effort trying to explain to The World that being a queer woman is not really about men so much as it is about women. Now there is a sizable minority for whom unpleasant experience with men is a key factor, certainly. And there is another minority of women who seek out other women after failed straight marriages or relationships (and who often return to their straight world once their wounds are healed).
Unfortunately, penetration is one of those slow-moving targets that straight people like to line up on. If lesbians want penetration, than they **are** really straight but broken. As this view of lesbians has a lot of biased history behind it, it poses a problem for lesbians agitating for change, and so it tends to get pushed down in the stack---like S&M sex, Butch/Femme (at least the butch bits), and the infamous dildo.
The reality is far more complicated and messy. Fucking your girlfriend with a great harness and a good dildo is an amazing turn-on as well as a sweet sensation, just as receiving is. certainly, it's not for everyone (and it **is** awkward those first few times---one feels rather absurd, really).
A more pervasive and problematic issue is the myth of The True Lesbian. I do not doubt that there are True Lesbians---a True Lesbian has never had sex with a Male Person, nor ever thought about sex with a Male Person, &c. But the numbers are not nearly so high as reported. I do feel it is easier to be queer in these times, but I'm not so sure its all that much easier to be queer in Jr. High and High School. Many queers---male and female---have heterosexual sex in an attempt to be normal, or at least to fit in. The Lesbians who feel that most queer women have not had sex with men like to use the label "bi" for any woman who admits to having had sex with a Male Person, and "bi" is, like being queer in general, less of a Bad Thing now, but still something of a slur.
To be clear---most lesbians Officially Define a bi woman as one who has sexually intimate relationships with men, or who has had such relationships and is likely to have them again. In practice, "bi" means "a straight girl who plays around with women for her boyfriend". Thus, when one is called "bi" when one is not, because one had heterosexual sex at some time, it is a serious issue with emotional power.
So...do men **really** have less regard for women who "swallow" or like anal sex or are turned on by being ejaculated on. Do straight women really dislike giving head---and why??
Oh yes...and do straight men really dislike **giving** head? This is a fairly common complaint as well, though I know a number of straight women who find the idea of getting head repulsive (including one of my friends who loves giving head).
And yes...I have had sex with men (that would be the plural, and it is intentional), and it was not awful or against my will or even unpleasant; I wanted to feel the things my friends seemed to be suddenyl swept away by (boys), and I wanted to make my parents happy, and all the usual painful, humiliating, struggles that young queer women (and men) go through.
I'm just not drawn to men, emotionally, physically, or sexually. So I do not call myself "bi", based on sex I had thirty years ago, and I find it offensive to be called "bi" (which shows that bias is alive and well, sadly).
Straight women tend to complain about "having" to give head. My g/f, who has been married for 16 years now, has said more than once that no woman likes giving a man head, or at least doesn't want to swallow. But I know four or five straight women who say they **love** giving head, and two of them almost always add "and I swallow".
Straight men tend to complain about "getting" head, but some of the things they say about the women who do or enjoy the very things they find erotic are contradictory. They want a woman to "swallow", but think women who swallow are slags. The idea of ejaculating on a woman's face is highly erotic, but a woman who "lets" them ejaculate on her face is a slag; a oft-repeated joke involves "why don't you respect me; because you let me come on your face".
So what I'm curious about is how much of this is rote? Are "good girls" supposed to dislike giving head, whether they do or not? And do straight men really look down on a woman who so obviously enjoys doing what men say they want? What about women who enjoy anal sex?
There is a similar kind of dichotomy among lesbians. The overwhelming majority of women---barring those with physiological problems that make it uncomfortable or distressing---enjoy penetration. To paraphrase 'troll, that is not the Lesbian Feminist Way. I believe it to be the truth, but it is one of those problematic truths that are charged with issues quite apart from sex.
The problem is one of perspective. Lesbians spend a lot of effort trying to explain to The World that being a queer woman is not really about men so much as it is about women. Now there is a sizable minority for whom unpleasant experience with men is a key factor, certainly. And there is another minority of women who seek out other women after failed straight marriages or relationships (and who often return to their straight world once their wounds are healed).
Unfortunately, penetration is one of those slow-moving targets that straight people like to line up on. If lesbians want penetration, than they **are** really straight but broken. As this view of lesbians has a lot of biased history behind it, it poses a problem for lesbians agitating for change, and so it tends to get pushed down in the stack---like S&M sex, Butch/Femme (at least the butch bits), and the infamous dildo.
The reality is far more complicated and messy. Fucking your girlfriend with a great harness and a good dildo is an amazing turn-on as well as a sweet sensation, just as receiving is. certainly, it's not for everyone (and it **is** awkward those first few times---one feels rather absurd, really).
A more pervasive and problematic issue is the myth of The True Lesbian. I do not doubt that there are True Lesbians---a True Lesbian has never had sex with a Male Person, nor ever thought about sex with a Male Person, &c. But the numbers are not nearly so high as reported. I do feel it is easier to be queer in these times, but I'm not so sure its all that much easier to be queer in Jr. High and High School. Many queers---male and female---have heterosexual sex in an attempt to be normal, or at least to fit in. The Lesbians who feel that most queer women have not had sex with men like to use the label "bi" for any woman who admits to having had sex with a Male Person, and "bi" is, like being queer in general, less of a Bad Thing now, but still something of a slur.
To be clear---most lesbians Officially Define a bi woman as one who has sexually intimate relationships with men, or who has had such relationships and is likely to have them again. In practice, "bi" means "a straight girl who plays around with women for her boyfriend". Thus, when one is called "bi" when one is not, because one had heterosexual sex at some time, it is a serious issue with emotional power.
So...do men **really** have less regard for women who "swallow" or like anal sex or are turned on by being ejaculated on. Do straight women really dislike giving head---and why??
Oh yes...and do straight men really dislike **giving** head? This is a fairly common complaint as well, though I know a number of straight women who find the idea of getting head repulsive (including one of my friends who loves giving head).
And yes...I have had sex with men (that would be the plural, and it is intentional), and it was not awful or against my will or even unpleasant; I wanted to feel the things my friends seemed to be suddenyl swept away by (boys), and I wanted to make my parents happy, and all the usual painful, humiliating, struggles that young queer women (and men) go through.
I'm just not drawn to men, emotionally, physically, or sexually. So I do not call myself "bi", based on sex I had thirty years ago, and I find it offensive to be called "bi" (which shows that bias is alive and well, sadly).
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
In my relationship, I love head, she loves head. Anal play is great fun. Shibari is fun. Spanking, paddling are fun. Vibrators are fun. Discussing fantasies that go beyond whatever the norm is is fun. Etc, etc, etc.
Respect is not connected to the passion and enjoyment of bedroom activities. She is smarter than I am most of the time, more capable in many different ways. Yet, there are no issues with regards to me holding her down while calling her things that would under other circumstances indicate a lack of respect. To us a hard down and dirty weekend of physically draining fucking is making love. Is our way typical of the rest of society? I truly have no idea.
She is truly bisexual, but monogamous in relationships. Which means she finds women sexually, emotionally and intellectualy, attractive, but also finds men sexually, emotionally and intellectually attractive. I am not the man or the woman she is in love with, I am the person she is in love with. Of course, I'm a man when it comes to the physical, but apparently years of being a pervert has led to some positives.
It is great when she points out the hot woman that I didn't notice and gives us plenty of "fun" things to talk about. Do I think any less of her because of anything? No why would I? She is the woman I love. If some random person called her one of our bedroom names in front of me I'd break their face (or at least scare them senseless.) I honestly don't associate with the men or women that your post addresses, they piss me off. Only a fool sits down at a table with people they don't like on purpose.
P.S.
The whole responding thing here unless someone already pointed out, click on my my name, then post your response as a blog comment (it just works better that way, since we're always aware of comments in our personal blogs, but miss them in other peoples.
To what extent, then, is it just talk? Or are people who embrace sexuality in all of its complexity and complications---in all its category-defying messiness---more accepting, more inclusive, and less inclined to join the herd when in a group.
Not an entirely academic question, either.
caryn