captblacktoe

i can't stand not knowing where you stand with someone. if it is over for good let it be over for good, if i know i can't EVER be with someone i will not get trapped in the memory. but when it goes abck and forth back and forth, when you pack and unpack every memory every physical reminder i feel like you're slowly dismantling yourself in the process of half attempting to rebuild the relationship half attempting to walk away. but it never seems as though you're really the one in control, no matter how much you say this is it, this is the end of everything with this person there's still that part that clings with every breath to that memory of the first touch, and this is where we sometimes retreat to when things go beyond where they should. at least with me, when things are at their everyday bad i think of how much easier it would be if we just walked away, but when things are really really bad i think of how much i want that smile back (even if i haven't seen it in a long while) how much i know things were better and hope they could be like that again, this is the place i retreat to build around me hide in. maybe it's a mechanism to avoid saying out loud yes i want this to be over, maybe it's a way of escaping the responsiblity of ending it, of being the one willing to work things out to the bitter end. i do not want to say "fuck you" do not want to say "here is everything of us take it burn i don't care" the truth is i do care i never want to stop caring. i want to bitch and cry and bleed for the relationship want to die hoping it can work even against all better judgement i want to hold onto the memory of her, smiling telling me for the first time i will be the one she spends forever with.

but here's the thing when does a hopeless romantic just become hopeless, when do you finally stop clawing for some ground and let go, no matter how far that drops you. i know what i want, yet i know the reality, i know the truth will never fit the memory, know the heart can only beat for one, know no matter how stubborn we have been we can we worse, oh we can be better but chances are we will be worse. i love my girl, love almost everything about her, that's the truth. we always want to say we love everything but lets be honest with each other we really would change something, not physical but an opinion a friend an insecurity. so saying i love almost everything is alot more than most. i just want everything to be strong or gone. i need to know am i building a life or cleaning up the pieces. someone just say you know where i'm at, don't give me advice don't tell me how you would do things different, we all give great advice and suck at our own relations. just say you know, please.