captain_midnight

So about 5 years ago I was just getting started managing this band, we'd just gotten a weekly gig at this bar a couple blocks from my apartment, so I was pretty excited about it. Things were going all right, we were starting to get a regular crowd, which is a tough thing to do on monday nights. One night these two new girls walk in, one of them really cute, the other one not so much.
So, being the promotional type, I went and introduced myself to them, and since the band was on break, I introduced them to the band and stuff and made them feel like rock stars or something (for some reason people were always really into that sort of thing). They hung out and one of them was like "I hardly ever drink". That's always a red flag for me when someone says that at a bar. So the night goes on, I'm at my usual spot at the end of the bar, and the second girl (the not so cute one) grabs me and demands that I dance with her.
Now, let me just add that music doesn't make me want to dance, I don't really like to dance, I can do it, I'd just rather not. So, with it being like 1am and me being well sauced as well, I decided to go dance with this girl. She was super drunk and kept stepping on my feet and all that kind of thing. Then she and her friend left.
This is the point where I was hoping I wouldn't run into them again. Such was not the case, pretty soon the ugly one is appearing at bars everywhere I go (I was quite the bar fly back in those days). Then one night she ends up at this afterbar party after my band's show. I drunkenly made out with her, and after that she became a total stalker, calling me, texting me, showing up at my regular hangouts, stuff like that. It was kind of unnerving. Even after my band broke up and I moved out of town....guess who happened to be moving at the same time?
So anyway, eventually she runs into me at a bar, and I decided to put an end to the whole deal, and since she wouldn't take no for an answer, there was only one course of action I could take. I was going to have to let her drag me home and then be as disappointing and uninterested in bed as I possibly could. So, I got way too drunk to be able to drive myself home, and she ushered me into a cab and took me back to her place. Then right before we're about to get it on, I projectile vomit jaegermeister and pickled turkey gizzards all over her, her bed, and her floor.
At that point I decide that I need to go outside and get some air while she cleans up my mess. And wow, wouldn't you know it? Right outside her building is a cab stand, so I dipped out, went back home, and went to bed.
Never heard from her again. Although I wouldn't recommend anyone else follow this advice, it worked for me, and it was pretty hilarious.