It's 1 o'clock AM Wednesday and I am considering my position in life. There are a lot of things I am grateful for. Things I could only have occomplished by being true to who I am. So how did I get in this screwy position?
I am good at my job. To the point that if I demanded a blow job to consider not leaving, my boss would hesitiate before saying no. I work a lot as of late, too. I haven't had a day off in almost a month. Tonight was my first night off.
Last time I found myself in a bad situation friendwise, I did what I thought was nessecary. I deleted them all from my life. The entire group. I risked being friendless to get rid of a cancer in my life. This time it's not so simple. I have "friends" who are all older than me. They are also very......inspitring as far as life lessons go. I have learned so much from them. However, walking the same path with the same mindset and phylosophy that they had, I find myself in a very different place. The self confidence they have, the understanding that others dwell on crap and you shouldn't has me completly disagreeing with them.
To get to the point, they somehow seem remarkably self involved. If it's not what they want to do, or for some of them their idea, they never want to participate. They think they are to good to do, just about everything.
So despite all I've gained from them I find myself needing, actually "demanding" better friends.
My B-day? Only one of them is coming. I've made it to their B-days. Every single fucking one. Evwen the lame ones. Mine? Nope. 2 years in a row. Why? Because I do what I want. Not every day, but on my B-day I think I'm entitled. But for some Boston is apparently too far of a drive for a friend. For others, Coyote Ugly is gay.....even if it's a one time only thing for a friend.
Me? If my buddy wanted to go to a Gay club on his b-day, I'd go cuz he's my friend. No questions asked.
So I find me self again, for the second time in 3 years needing all new friends. Cuz I can stand a lot, but I will not tolerate giving loyalty that is not returned.
But I don't want to be friendless again.
I went out tonight all alone and chilled at the bar. Was I sad? No. I don't need others to have a good time. But for my only day of in a long while, it would have been nice to have somebody there.
So the choices are
1) to hang with people who don't give a fuck about me, but at least not be lonely.
2) Get rid of the bad in my life but have nothing much else to lean on. I work to much to find myself another group of friends. And no school means even less socialization.
It's sad when the main reason you want to be to college is to meet people. That's something you and your friends are supposed to do elsewhere.
Is it arrogant to feel you are constantly outgrowning your friends? I know that the ages of 19-25 is when you become who you are to be. But does that mean I have to constantly start over? And people wonder why I have trust issues with friends?
Sorry guys I don't want pity or anything. I just started typing what I'm feeling. I'm not used to being lonely.
The Cap sails alone on a dark and silent ocean
I am good at my job. To the point that if I demanded a blow job to consider not leaving, my boss would hesitiate before saying no. I work a lot as of late, too. I haven't had a day off in almost a month. Tonight was my first night off.
Last time I found myself in a bad situation friendwise, I did what I thought was nessecary. I deleted them all from my life. The entire group. I risked being friendless to get rid of a cancer in my life. This time it's not so simple. I have "friends" who are all older than me. They are also very......inspitring as far as life lessons go. I have learned so much from them. However, walking the same path with the same mindset and phylosophy that they had, I find myself in a very different place. The self confidence they have, the understanding that others dwell on crap and you shouldn't has me completly disagreeing with them.
To get to the point, they somehow seem remarkably self involved. If it's not what they want to do, or for some of them their idea, they never want to participate. They think they are to good to do, just about everything.
So despite all I've gained from them I find myself needing, actually "demanding" better friends.
My B-day? Only one of them is coming. I've made it to their B-days. Every single fucking one. Evwen the lame ones. Mine? Nope. 2 years in a row. Why? Because I do what I want. Not every day, but on my B-day I think I'm entitled. But for some Boston is apparently too far of a drive for a friend. For others, Coyote Ugly is gay.....even if it's a one time only thing for a friend.
Me? If my buddy wanted to go to a Gay club on his b-day, I'd go cuz he's my friend. No questions asked.
So I find me self again, for the second time in 3 years needing all new friends. Cuz I can stand a lot, but I will not tolerate giving loyalty that is not returned.
But I don't want to be friendless again.
I went out tonight all alone and chilled at the bar. Was I sad? No. I don't need others to have a good time. But for my only day of in a long while, it would have been nice to have somebody there.
So the choices are
1) to hang with people who don't give a fuck about me, but at least not be lonely.
2) Get rid of the bad in my life but have nothing much else to lean on. I work to much to find myself another group of friends. And no school means even less socialization.
It's sad when the main reason you want to be to college is to meet people. That's something you and your friends are supposed to do elsewhere.
Is it arrogant to feel you are constantly outgrowning your friends? I know that the ages of 19-25 is when you become who you are to be. But does that mean I have to constantly start over? And people wonder why I have trust issues with friends?
Sorry guys I don't want pity or anything. I just started typing what I'm feeling. I'm not used to being lonely.
The Cap sails alone on a dark and silent ocean
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
this past january i had to get rid of some people...leave the college scene that i had fallen for and the ex-boyfriend that i leaned on and my drama queen chick friends and re-assess my life..
i am going back to grad school on tuesday, and i do hope to meet people there...why not?
happy birthday!
-Lisa