candiyum

3/17/2013 Confession Blog #1 I have spent many years lying to so many people sometimes little lies and other times big lies to hide behind and protect what family I had because if they knew the truth of what a mess of a person I was there was no doubt id be alone in it all.. Ive known i can settle for less than what I desire I can pretend for years and date countless men and it could be alright I could wear a mask for those I love hide my feelings when I hear a family member in disgust when talking about homosexuals, close my ears in church when being taught that my feelings will cast me into hell if I ever act on them, watch as my sisters get married and have beautiful babies and being so happy for them but knowing I cant have what they have. The truth is for me it is a choice but not between being gay or straight but between being honest or coninue to be a lier. If you think I lie for selfish reasons though dont be so quick to judge the biggest lies are to protect the ones you love and my parents cant accept me as I am. They are good kind parents who adopted me and im proud of their faith in their religion. I know they will always love me even if they knew but they cant understand it would only serve as a heartache to them always thinking in the back of their mind that I will spend eternity in hell. I can see my mom crying and praying for so many hours and Id rather be the person crying. I feel this makes me a strong person not weak a selflless act I choose to make. I choose to stay in the closet for as long as I can with my parents. If they wanted to know they would its just something I choose to bear so I guess I choose to continue to lie and most likly this is a self distructing path to take.