cameralikeagun

God damn Sean Penn is one sexy mother fucker.
Twenty eight years older than me or not.
haha.


My perpetual fear?
It's starting to go away.
And I think it might be because of Jake.
But it might be other things...
because now I'm just occasionally scared he's going to break my heart.
Tonight we went to my friend Holly's house with a bunch of people from work and watched some movies.
Jake was in the recliner with me and I wrapped my arms around him and laid there with him
and
the entire fucking four hours we were there I was dying to say
I love you.
It was
for some reason
just on the tip of my tongue. I couldn't get it out of my head.
But
do I love him?
I don't know.
I won't say it.
Because I don't think I'll hear it back and I don't want to scare him.
But if I didn't feel some way about him why would I keep almost just spitting out those three words?
He makes me happy.
But I'm still so scared of being hurt.

I hate being scared.
I hate not trusting anyone.
I mostly just hate having no trust. I can't help it. I just... can't.