camalot

Hmmm, its been a very very long time since my last entry. Frankly I havent been on the site much in the last year. Soooo, I guess we left off with me moving back home and living in Mom's basement which I am happy to report is no longer the case!!! I am no longer "that guy" and the feeling of being a butterfly in a straight jacket has passed. Ahhh, the freedom and the independence of living on my own is exactly what I needed, though the alone part is hard to handle sometimes but such is life I guess. I don't know for sure, if my situation had made me depressed or in some other way feeling like I didn't deserve better but I was putting up with a lot of shit from people in my life who didn't deserve to be in it. They're gone now and I've gained a little insight into things. Without being too specific, I fully understand what the phrase "Don't cast your pearls before swine" means. Hmm...indeed.

So now what? I was in the kitchen today feeling very scattered and very down about being alone and then I read a piece by Fractal Abandon All Hope that gave me some measure of solace. At least I'm not alone. Pondering what I want in a partner has led me to certain conclusions, not fit to expand on at this point, but suffice to say I want someone who is at the same point in their life as I am, or at the very least, someone who is on the threshold, about to break through. Someone who isn't so selfish that they can't see past their own nose.

Maybe that last part was a little resentment from a shitty experience that needed to come out.

Regardless, I've pretty much had enough of the dating scene, after trying it a few times and coming away with little more than another experience to draw from in the future. What I want now is to meet someone who will prove themselves as my friend, a real friend, who wills till be who they claimed to be three, four, five months ago. Know what I mean? That said, I do miss having someone to pass the time with, someone to snuggle with, inspire me, make me crazy, someone to care for.

Watching a movie just isn't the same with a couch only half full.

On a side note, I have noticed that one of my friends who I've known for many years and who has been more than a platonic interest of mine keeps coming back onto my radar. But she's still with the same guy who takes her for granted just like he did years ago. Why the fuck is she still with that douchbag?

I suppose its the fear of being alone. The thing is, being alone for a while would lead her to someone better... Ha! I should really listen to my own wisdom sometimes.

I feel better.