calypso

Fucking dog shit.

I feel like I've potentially ruined everything.

Last night, my darling and I were making love. It was fantastic, and I was on the cusp of dying from my overwhelming bliss.

For whatever reason, my mind reverted back to my rape. Nothing my lover did sparked this, but it was there nonetheless. Maybe it was the dark surrounding us, for other than the pain and my own tears, that's what sticks out the most in my memory of my ordeal.

Perhaps I felt a twinge of pain and that triggered it all. I don't know.

He brought his body down close to me, and all of a sudden I started bawling. Not just crying, but crying hysterically. He got off of me and I couldn't stop the tears. He laid down beside me and took me in his arms, holding me close and squeezing me.

"Baby," he said. "Baby, baby..."

Those words only fueled the tears. He displayed such love and tenderness, I didn't know how to deal with it.

"Oh my god," he would say as I continued to cry. "What's wrong?"

"I...I..."

I couldn't put the words together. I was choking on tears and emotions.

"I...I had a...I had a flashback."

He immediately knew.

"That's never happened before," I told him. "I'm sorry..."

I felt horrible. I felt like a ruined what should have been such a beautiful thing. I made him feel like he hurt me or wronged me somehow.

He was disgusted with himself.

I wanted to kill myself.