calypso

"I love you," he whispered into my ear and kissed my cheek as I was half-asleep.

Reeling, I lay there on my side, in silence and joyful shock.

My eyes still closed, I heard the door shut as he left the room.

Wow, I thought. No way did he just say that...

I had wanted to say it back...I wanted to throw my arms around him and kiss him with all that I had. But my throat had tightened up. My mind had stopped yet was racing at the same time.

I opened my eyes at the sound of his footsteps trailing down the stairs. My mouth was agape.

I felt tingly, ecstatic. Over and over again in my head I repeated, I love you too.

Those words felt so right. They had felt right in the days before that I had said them in my thoughts. I hadn't dared to tell him, though. As to why not, I don't know. Fear of rejection?

I heard his car start and my stomach dropped. I didn't want him to go to work. I wanted him to stay and lay with me and tell me those words all day long.

I had another 45 minutes to sleep before I was supposed to get up for work. But I couldn't. I couldn't shut myself up.

I waited for the alarm before I stirred.

I got up and dressed myself, smiling all the while. I thought about stealing one of his shirts for the day, just to make myself stupidly giddy at how I would have something of his. I didn't, though. Work dress code wouldn't allow for a t-shirt. I was a bit dismayed.

I slipped on my flip-flops and started out of his bedroom. I turned around, took one last look at his room, heaved a sigh, and shut the door. Down the hall his dogs were laying side by side. I kneeled down and gave them kisses. A wagging tail pounded against the wall.

Down the steps I went...and out the door, as well.

I went home, waved hello to my roommate, her toddler, and her ancient father. I took clothes out of the washer, put them in the dryer and went up stairs to my room.

I put on "Borderline" and sang along. I turned it off and went to shower.

I undressed before the mirror-laden walls of the bathroom, and stood naked for a few minutes. I placed my hands beneath my stomach and sighed another sigh. I tried to picture myself with a bulging tummy full of life. I did not weep, much to my surprise.

I have to do what is right, I thought. For me and my unborn baby.

It is selfish to bring a child into this world for the sake of your own conscience. Why else would you want a child if not to love them, spend time with them, and give them the things you never had? Yes, it is true that the decision I make may haunt me for the rest of my life, but knowing that I brought a poor, innocent baby into this world without proper accomodations would do the same.

I would not have time to love her and read her bed time stories...I would have to get a second job so that we could eat.

When I have a child, I want to be in a position to give him or her my all.

So I showered, dressed, and took off for work. I talked to my step-dad on the way, and it seems we'll be going to see the Redwoods this weekend rather than go to the desert. I'm pretty damned excited. Mostly for the photography opportunities. I'll be sure to post lots pictures.

Here I sit behind a computer at work, heart aflutter from this morning's confession. I still can't believe it. Words were never so sweet 'til then.

I've gone soft. I'm not pissed off at the world. I want only to love and be loved and be happy.

I want only him...and I don't feel the least bit guilty that this is all happening so quickly. In fact, I couldn't imagine it going any better.

I'm so ready for this. So ready for complete and all-consuming love.

Yes, I'm young. Many people think that this is when I should be single, "have fun," and party. WHY?! Why should I be single and lonely? Why should I have fun by myself when I can have fun with someone else that I really enjoy spending time with? Why should I go to parties and get shit-faced? And why, why, why should I "play the field" and wake up next to strangers and end up with herpes?

None of that sounds like fun to me. If that's your thing, so be it. I'd rather have ONE partner and actually remember the time we've spent together.

But...yeah.

What I'm listening to: Jason Mraz - "After An Afternoon"
Such a good song.

"Your rich brown eyes, your lips, and your dark hair
Elbows and exposed knees tossing towards your ceiling
After an afternoon...
Love, love me

Face to palm
Tear to tear and
Mouth to tongue
Heart to ground
I am in love"

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I love you guys, and I hope you all are doing well. I also hope that you are okay with all my posts being novels from now on. Oops.

KISSES FOR ALL!!!!