cakemix

i've finally had to admit that i'm not getting out of this dark time. there is a rehab project that i'm going to that is for ppl like me that have been off drugs for years but are struggling again. its with ppl that are at the same level as me and will understand what i'm going through because i really can't do it all alone anymore. but i also can't go to NA or anything like that with new recoveries that are still bingeing as that may do me more harm then good.

it is also maybe probably make or break time with the swordfighter tonight...my apathy towards the situation is not helping at all but he's settling into a routine with me that i'm not happy about. my love and an adjoinig relationship is NOT a given and alot more worship needs to go on before its a done deal...

or i might just ignore him as i right now really can't be bothered to deal with my feelings...they are too big and once i break the surface who knows what could happen. love/hate could all depend on a few words and i'm 40 years old and don't want to be stuck in this cycle of being dumped every year for the rest of my life.

so like i said - make or break, this thing with him doesn't happen for whatever reason then i'm giving up.

and i phoned up the x boy to apologise for the hurtful things that i wrote in my journal about him, the stuff he left me over. i realised today that i'd never apologised for hurting his feelings. it didn't help tho = the fucking cunt accepted my apology but is still moving further away from me with every breath.

why don't i ever get what i want?