cait

I know I talk about being depressed a lot, and its probably really annoying, but I'm really scared and I just really need to get it out.

Things always get momentarily better, but the situations in my life just won't change....I've been through therapy and on medication for years, but I honestly can't see things getting any easier.

My mother- one of only two people in this world who I think actually give a shit about me right now- is absolutely controlling my life and making things really hard for me. Unfortunately, a lot of it is because she is so miserable in her life. She basically told me that the only reason she goes on living is because of me- which is a lot of pressure considering how much I dislike myself sometimes. My father has always been emotionally abusive and I've tried for years to get her to divorce him, but thats never going to happen, and they make each other even more miserable.

People who I thought were friends have put me into a situation where I'm in danger of getting sued and I am in debt for a lot of money that I don't have. (And trust me, nor do my parents).

I've been struggling with eating disorders my entire life, and compulsive over eating has gotten me close to my highest weight ever, and I feel like the ugliest person alive.

And I know its pathetic and I should be independant, but I miss having a boyfriend SO insanely much. I've been fortunate enough to have had two very intimate relationships in my life which made this shit seem a lot easier to deal with, but I haven't experienced anything even close to unconditional love in two years.

I'm just feeling so fucking alone and hated by the world right now, and you don't need to read or respond, I just have to get this out somehow.