caetano

Body is again thrashed. I want to be fucking scary big by this time next year. And so I might up my 12 hours a week to 15-16 hours a week. I am not sure if it will make a difference, but, it can't hurt. My body seems to be all I can control these days, and I know even that is an illusion. I need someone to talk to so fucking bad, someone who even gives a shit just a little bit. But, I have orchestrated my life to have all those I loved and cared about either leave me by choice or by their path of life. I miss Pam so damned bad sometimes. I miss her sweetness and her Hurumph! I really messed that one up.Her name means sweet as honey, and truly she is the sweetess lady I will ever know. I feel like such a failure in life, never meeting up to the expectations of my mother, my sisters, brothers and most importantly myself. My dream of being an architect burns in my heart and soul. I will do what it takes to make it a reality, and I will make my life what I need it to be. I feel like I have allowed my life to be so very small. I have allowed myself merely to exist, and not to live. I want to go to Italy, Peru, India, Spain, Hawaii, and travel the east. I want to see all this world holds. I want to live every day as if it is an entire lifetime unto itself. I get so fucking lonely sometimes. I just want to say Fuck all this shit, and die. I know my soul would travel forward. I know I would not be missed. I do not think anyone would grieve for long, some not at all. I am invisible. My life is a big series of mishaps. Don't anyone send me any fucking {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} I think that is so fucking superficial and such a pat answer to someones' true concerns and pain. What I want is people who really give a fuck, to talk to. Someone who is not afraid, and not so wrapped up in their own shit, that they do not have any recognition of anyone elses feelings. I know that my life does not matter, that my troubles are trite compared to some folks day to day struggles. But fuck if it doesn't matter to me. I think I will begin to write all my stuff out, maybe then I can figure a way passed it.

Regrets are many,
Solutions slippery,
And I wait for revelation.


SAE