From Monday April 4th
will update more later, had a very very confusing evening. Evelyn and I almost crossed over from friends to lovers last night. Still smell her perfume on my clothes, as I have not been home yet. In the place, smelling bakery and listening to music that is NOT helping. Mostly old jazz love ballads. Killing me, just killing me. More later.
EDIT:
SO, here is the scoop. I spent most of yesterday with Evelyn, her little brother and little sister, who she was babysitting while her mother was in Fort Atkinson opening her new restaurant. We took the kids out to lunch, and then to a movie. By that time it was 6ish and after much Drama via cell phone communication between Evelyn and her mother, took the kids back to her fabulous new downtown apartment. I love the view from Evelyn's windows. Anyway, eventually the kids got picked up and taken home. This of course left us alone for the night. We watched TV, and then around 9ish she decided she needed to go to bed. She said I could either leave or stay there and sleep on the couch or in the bed with her, what ever I wanted to do was fine. Well I chose to stay. I took off my jeans and covered up on the couch. Pretty soon I too was tired and attempted to lay down to fall asleep. Well, she started to call me from the other room, telling me to come in to the bedroom where I would be more comfortable. At first I said "no that is ok, I will stay here" But she insisted and since I was not comfortable at all I figured oh what the hell. So I went in and got in bed next to her. Let me just say here that Evelyn just recently broke up with a guy who she is in love with, and who is not in love with her. They still communicate and are 'Friends with benefits'. We have had endless discussions about Gerrard. She know she needs to just cut it off and create distance, but, some how refuses to do it. So, she hates herself, has become depressed and is just plain miserable about the situation. *Now back to the show* So there I am in a tee-shirt and my underwear laying next to her and thinking to myself. What am I doing here, what is this all about? We have had the 'Talk', wherein she has informed me she considers me a friend and that is all. But, here I am and there she is, and she starts asking me how long it has been since I have had sex, do I masturbate and has she given me my birthday present yet? So, now I am getting a little tense. Of course this is a totaly screwed up situation. She asks me to hug her because she is cold. I oblige, and at first she seems to simply take comfort in my warmth and nearness to her. Oh, but, then she grabs my hand and starts putting it in places that your friends hands usually do not go. So, I think ok, if it is on, it is on. But, the chemistry is just not there. Mostly because she and I are both thinking and not just flowing. She then says she does not want to use me, and that she generally uses men for sex. And yah, I am thinking a great deal of things. So, she says she needs a cigarette and jumps up out of bed to go for a drive and smoke.
I of course being the red blooded male idiot that I am, use that time to take a shower, and think about, what the next moves will be. All the while of course I am realizing that this can not happen, because it will change everything and make it way too confusing. So, when she comes back I am on the couch. I try to go in and talk to her once she is back in bed. But, it is all a little awkward. So,I retreat to the couch again and spend the night there. I left this morning, before she got up, whispering a goodbye into the darkness of her room. Needless to say, there have been a boat load of thoughts and what ifs, running through my head and heart all day. I know that we did what was safe for our friendship, I just hope that that friendship can and will continue. So yeah, this is why I was bugging out this morning. I could still smell her perfume on my skin and it was making me crazy. Well I guess we shall see, we shall see.
SAE
will update more later, had a very very confusing evening. Evelyn and I almost crossed over from friends to lovers last night. Still smell her perfume on my clothes, as I have not been home yet. In the place, smelling bakery and listening to music that is NOT helping. Mostly old jazz love ballads. Killing me, just killing me. More later.
EDIT:
SO, here is the scoop. I spent most of yesterday with Evelyn, her little brother and little sister, who she was babysitting while her mother was in Fort Atkinson opening her new restaurant. We took the kids out to lunch, and then to a movie. By that time it was 6ish and after much Drama via cell phone communication between Evelyn and her mother, took the kids back to her fabulous new downtown apartment. I love the view from Evelyn's windows. Anyway, eventually the kids got picked up and taken home. This of course left us alone for the night. We watched TV, and then around 9ish she decided she needed to go to bed. She said I could either leave or stay there and sleep on the couch or in the bed with her, what ever I wanted to do was fine. Well I chose to stay. I took off my jeans and covered up on the couch. Pretty soon I too was tired and attempted to lay down to fall asleep. Well, she started to call me from the other room, telling me to come in to the bedroom where I would be more comfortable. At first I said "no that is ok, I will stay here" But she insisted and since I was not comfortable at all I figured oh what the hell. So I went in and got in bed next to her. Let me just say here that Evelyn just recently broke up with a guy who she is in love with, and who is not in love with her. They still communicate and are 'Friends with benefits'. We have had endless discussions about Gerrard. She know she needs to just cut it off and create distance, but, some how refuses to do it. So, she hates herself, has become depressed and is just plain miserable about the situation. *Now back to the show* So there I am in a tee-shirt and my underwear laying next to her and thinking to myself. What am I doing here, what is this all about? We have had the 'Talk', wherein she has informed me she considers me a friend and that is all. But, here I am and there she is, and she starts asking me how long it has been since I have had sex, do I masturbate and has she given me my birthday present yet? So, now I am getting a little tense. Of course this is a totaly screwed up situation. She asks me to hug her because she is cold. I oblige, and at first she seems to simply take comfort in my warmth and nearness to her. Oh, but, then she grabs my hand and starts putting it in places that your friends hands usually do not go. So, I think ok, if it is on, it is on. But, the chemistry is just not there. Mostly because she and I are both thinking and not just flowing. She then says she does not want to use me, and that she generally uses men for sex. And yah, I am thinking a great deal of things. So, she says she needs a cigarette and jumps up out of bed to go for a drive and smoke.
I of course being the red blooded male idiot that I am, use that time to take a shower, and think about, what the next moves will be. All the while of course I am realizing that this can not happen, because it will change everything and make it way too confusing. So, when she comes back I am on the couch. I try to go in and talk to her once she is back in bed. But, it is all a little awkward. So,I retreat to the couch again and spend the night there. I left this morning, before she got up, whispering a goodbye into the darkness of her room. Needless to say, there have been a boat load of thoughts and what ifs, running through my head and heart all day. I know that we did what was safe for our friendship, I just hope that that friendship can and will continue. So yeah, this is why I was bugging out this morning. I could still smell her perfume on my skin and it was making me crazy. Well I guess we shall see, we shall see.
SAE