caetano

Another day of it. Another day of feeling like I do not know what to do. I feel so frustrated, and so all alone, most of the time. I know how to move forward in my own life. I know what has to happen in order for me to save enough money for my apartment, and to transition out of this one. I feel like I want to offer my mother a solution to her problem, but, I just am not sure if she will cooperate. I want her to either have her checks direct deposited into my savings, or have her checks sent here, so that I can then pay the rent, and the bills. I would of course give her whatever is left over.

I feel like that way she would at least have access to all of her money. I feel like that way there would be less tension inside of me. And that I would have less apprehension over what happens next, what happens when we move apart, and she has to pay for things all on her own. She can not continue to let her account be overdrawn, and then play catch up at the beginning of every month. She will never ever get out of this hole, if she does not stop it right now. And then start fresh.

I know this should not be my problem, it should not be something that I have to do, and yet, since it effects me so genuinely, and so deeply right now, it is my concern. It affects how I live, how I think, what I do, and how I do it. This situation makes me crazy, and I end up feeling so fucking angry. I need to move on. I need to do it for the sake and sanctity of my own life. I need to rise or fall, all on my own. I need to live out my days, in my own space, with my own rules, and my own concerns. I can not be her parent anymore. I am willing to help her, but, it has to be from a calculated distance.