A bald Parrot, Filled with Desire for Fiery Maidens
I am realizing more and more, that it does not matter. I will continue this way. It will never cease. I will always need more surgery. I will always feel like...it can be changed. But, it can not. I just have to accept that.
Edit:
What we find in the Fall, helps us make it through the Winter. What I need to do now is to leave. That way I may have a chance of being received in the Spring, when the supply is abundant, and the larder full. As for right now, well, it seems as if the supply wants to be available, and yet, can not allow itself to be consumed. No matter. You do not need to know what in order to understand, you only need to imagine it, and it will all be made abundantly clear. There is such sweetness in its presence, such as yet unimagined sweetness. I see the power, and potential. I feel it shimmering in the air. I know it has increasing sway. I can not seem to escape that. I do not want to anyway. So, here I sit pondering, and wanting, and never being allowed to try. It does not matter how or when, just so it is nigh. That is all that I require. I know like winter snow, you are cool, covering, caring, and cautious. And I am like the fiery birth of Spring, with all of its' anticipation, and power to create. The body is weary, the heart and mind as well. What shall this day, and all the days that follow, hold for my life? How I miss the Sunday afternoons at the Wollersheim winery. Those were glorious days, of sun, air, wine, and rejuvenation. I will need to find someone who is up for going. Or I will need to find sufficient transport, and simply make the journey alone. There seems to be a lot of alone in my life lately. Perhaps that is for the best.
What occurs to me is that I am worthwhile, and fun, interesting, romantic, and even a little amusing. Even if only to myself. I do not want to fail in this fate. I do not want to need, beg, be chastised, cast aside, forgotten, lost, disregarded, called foolish, sent away, thought of as dangerous, overstep, or be found revolting.
Many times lately, I have realized how afraid of being rejected I am. And even worse for me, to be left again. To watch the woman that I love walk away from me, as she departs with someone else. Maybe that is why the defensive wall of odd is up, most of the time. If I never love again, then I can never be torn to shreds again. I am sure it is like that for many over the age of 25. It is just that I seem to have lived my life that way. Wanting those that do not want me, or are not ready for me. Or loving someone who is using me as a stepping stone to someone better. This other one, he is always stronger, more handsome, less afraid, or simply has darker skin. None of them seem to know or to care about me, the carcass that they leave behind. And truly I feel just like that, like a carcass. I feel empty and broken inside. And yet, my pride, the knowing that I have, causes me to move on. I know that is all that any of us can do, is to move on. But, that does not stop this bald parrot from wanting what he has had in the past. I want to feel the electricity of it. I want to not have to speak, but, simply to know, that I am loved. I want time to stand still for us, only for us. I want the world to disappear around us, the sound to fade away, the petty pushing of humanity, to be halted for those moments that we are together. I want to hold her close, and to know, that in this time, in these moments of life, she is all mine. I want to see it in her eyes, that kind of tethered fondness, that only comes from having joined together, not only our bodies, but, our very essence.
I am growing older, and all my feathers are falling out. My body is getting weaker, and my heart growing more placid. The fire that burns inside of me, it seems to be continually squelched with buckets of reality. My reality, this life, this lack of hope that I have. I see where I want to be, I know the life I seek. I feel like if only I had some help to get there, then all would be possible for me. And yet, I know, that in the end, the only woman that will want only me, will be the one that sees me do it all on my own. It does not matter why I keep talking about this. It is the strongest thing on my heart, and the one thing, that effects, and affects, so many other decisions that I make, and my present moment perception of reality. I see the possibilities. I hear the words. And I have to wonder what is in those boxes? Is it the cargo of a love lost? Are they fragments of your own doubt, the holding in check of your own desire, the shackles of your caution? This stuff, that needs attending to, is it about you, or you and someone else? Or is it simply a way of saying no thank you?
The day was bright, but, now seems to be growing darker. I guess it will be a good day to stay in, and ruminate, watch, read, think, pray, contemplate, plan, and renovate.
My own mind, it is the strongest ally that I have, and yet, my fiercest opponent. I battle with the should I say it, or should I maintain silence? Should I give you all of me, or only the parts that are palatable and nice? I can not hold back the flood tide of my thoughts. They need to go somewhere. So, here they are, on this page, waiting for you to discover, and digest. I am hungry, and yet do not feel like eating. I am lonely, and yet do not feel like reaching out. I am devastated, and can not rise up again. I am lost, and may never be found. When that light that I seek, shines herself around the trunk of the tree, and we meet, recognize, embrace, and unite, then can this life I need, be realized.
I am realizing more and more, that it does not matter. I will continue this way. It will never cease. I will always need more surgery. I will always feel like...it can be changed. But, it can not. I just have to accept that.
Edit:
What we find in the Fall, helps us make it through the Winter. What I need to do now is to leave. That way I may have a chance of being received in the Spring, when the supply is abundant, and the larder full. As for right now, well, it seems as if the supply wants to be available, and yet, can not allow itself to be consumed. No matter. You do not need to know what in order to understand, you only need to imagine it, and it will all be made abundantly clear. There is such sweetness in its presence, such as yet unimagined sweetness. I see the power, and potential. I feel it shimmering in the air. I know it has increasing sway. I can not seem to escape that. I do not want to anyway. So, here I sit pondering, and wanting, and never being allowed to try. It does not matter how or when, just so it is nigh. That is all that I require. I know like winter snow, you are cool, covering, caring, and cautious. And I am like the fiery birth of Spring, with all of its' anticipation, and power to create. The body is weary, the heart and mind as well. What shall this day, and all the days that follow, hold for my life? How I miss the Sunday afternoons at the Wollersheim winery. Those were glorious days, of sun, air, wine, and rejuvenation. I will need to find someone who is up for going. Or I will need to find sufficient transport, and simply make the journey alone. There seems to be a lot of alone in my life lately. Perhaps that is for the best.
What occurs to me is that I am worthwhile, and fun, interesting, romantic, and even a little amusing. Even if only to myself. I do not want to fail in this fate. I do not want to need, beg, be chastised, cast aside, forgotten, lost, disregarded, called foolish, sent away, thought of as dangerous, overstep, or be found revolting.
Many times lately, I have realized how afraid of being rejected I am. And even worse for me, to be left again. To watch the woman that I love walk away from me, as she departs with someone else. Maybe that is why the defensive wall of odd is up, most of the time. If I never love again, then I can never be torn to shreds again. I am sure it is like that for many over the age of 25. It is just that I seem to have lived my life that way. Wanting those that do not want me, or are not ready for me. Or loving someone who is using me as a stepping stone to someone better. This other one, he is always stronger, more handsome, less afraid, or simply has darker skin. None of them seem to know or to care about me, the carcass that they leave behind. And truly I feel just like that, like a carcass. I feel empty and broken inside. And yet, my pride, the knowing that I have, causes me to move on. I know that is all that any of us can do, is to move on. But, that does not stop this bald parrot from wanting what he has had in the past. I want to feel the electricity of it. I want to not have to speak, but, simply to know, that I am loved. I want time to stand still for us, only for us. I want the world to disappear around us, the sound to fade away, the petty pushing of humanity, to be halted for those moments that we are together. I want to hold her close, and to know, that in this time, in these moments of life, she is all mine. I want to see it in her eyes, that kind of tethered fondness, that only comes from having joined together, not only our bodies, but, our very essence.
I am growing older, and all my feathers are falling out. My body is getting weaker, and my heart growing more placid. The fire that burns inside of me, it seems to be continually squelched with buckets of reality. My reality, this life, this lack of hope that I have. I see where I want to be, I know the life I seek. I feel like if only I had some help to get there, then all would be possible for me. And yet, I know, that in the end, the only woman that will want only me, will be the one that sees me do it all on my own. It does not matter why I keep talking about this. It is the strongest thing on my heart, and the one thing, that effects, and affects, so many other decisions that I make, and my present moment perception of reality. I see the possibilities. I hear the words. And I have to wonder what is in those boxes? Is it the cargo of a love lost? Are they fragments of your own doubt, the holding in check of your own desire, the shackles of your caution? This stuff, that needs attending to, is it about you, or you and someone else? Or is it simply a way of saying no thank you?
The day was bright, but, now seems to be growing darker. I guess it will be a good day to stay in, and ruminate, watch, read, think, pray, contemplate, plan, and renovate.
My own mind, it is the strongest ally that I have, and yet, my fiercest opponent. I battle with the should I say it, or should I maintain silence? Should I give you all of me, or only the parts that are palatable and nice? I can not hold back the flood tide of my thoughts. They need to go somewhere. So, here they are, on this page, waiting for you to discover, and digest. I am hungry, and yet do not feel like eating. I am lonely, and yet do not feel like reaching out. I am devastated, and can not rise up again. I am lost, and may never be found. When that light that I seek, shines herself around the trunk of the tree, and we meet, recognize, embrace, and unite, then can this life I need, be realized.