caetano

Itching to Catch

So the thing isI am eternally sad, or so it would seem. I feel myself pulled away from love and happiness. I feel like I am in a French press coffee maker, and the plunger is pushing downward. I feel like I will never be valuable to anyone, ever again. I feel like all the laughter, and all the love, has been squeezed out of me. I am now just dead grounds, smashed, and held in place, at the bottom of the glass container. I am waiting to be discarded. You may think that this is a crazy thing to acknowledge. But, the thing is, that this is exactly how I feel. I do not really even have the energy to explain what it is like to have been in love with so many, and to not be desired, in any way by them.

Sure, I am depressed. That is a given. But, the thing is, I do have so much more of life that I want to live. I want the chance to Love full out, and full on. I do not want there to be any questions. I do not want there to be any restrictions. Maybe I will only know this kind of love when I am blessed enough to be a part of bringing my own children into this world. Maybe it is only parents that get to love unconditionally. For me, it is only a matter of time until I give up entirely. I sometimes think, even believe, that I was never meant to have children, that I was never meant to be married. Someone told me just today, that I have book learning, but, not an ounce of common sense. I think she was just trying to hurt me, or make me feel guilty. She told me I should be ashamed of talking to her that way. But, you see, I have told myself the same thing where common sense is concerned, and ..well.I do feel a little shame,.but, really I just learned that kind of manipulation and guilt inducing word play from the very one who told me I should be ashamed. .

I do feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that I have allowed my life to lead itself to where it is now. I am ashamed that I did not protect the love I had in my possession. I feel ashamed that I let the ignorance of youth cloud my judgment, and cause me to do things that a thinking man would have avoided. I feel like now is my time.and I am going to fucking make the most of it. I will probably end up all alone, with no family, friends or anyone who will or would even consider attending my funeral. But.maybe that was my fate from the beginning. Yah Know?
~Scott