Ode to my mother and myself
I realize the following is pretty much what I have been saying for a few weeks now. However; for me it is a pathway of reoccuring thought and realization. So, that is how I know that it is absolutely what I need and want.
...................
I was just laying in bed thinking of all of this stuff. And so I had to write it all down, so that I will remember it later.
I watched my mother going back to her old habits of feeding the dog(s) people food. I watched her take a portion of the food that I need for my lunch tomorrow, and feed it to the dogs. Now, people do this all the time, right? Well, in this case it matters much more than usual. She put me in a situation where I have had to pay the entire rent for the past 2 months. And not only the rent but, the storage unit, the phone bill, the electric bill, the cable bill, my JcPenney's charge, the settlement for my Mastercard, and everything else that I pay on each month. So, when she takes food that I need, literally takes it away from me, and gives it to the dogs, it more than disappoints me, it more than pisses me off. When she does it, I want to leave, pick up my cat, put on my shoes, coat, and gear, and leave, never looking back. I want to scream. I am sacrificing everything to keep this household afloat, and she is right back to sending the dog toward diabetes, a heart attack, joint problems, obesity and death. And in the meanwhile, she is driving me to the point where I do want to scream at her. So, she and I need to have the big talk. It is way past time.
My mother just does not get it. She wants to make it all about her, and make it out to be as if I am yelling at her and calling her a liar. Well, I am not yelling, but, simply trying to talk to her as one adult, living in the same house, to another. And the thing is, she is not telling the truth, she is telling me lies, and she is telling herself lies. The end result is that I now know even more than before, that it is time for me to have the hard conversation with her. It is time for she and I to part ways. I need to live in my own place, and we need to find her somewhere to live, so that I can have my sanity, and she can be in a place where she feels comfortable, safe, and most importantly can afford to live.
It is time for me to start enjoying the benefits of being a single, responsible adult. I am doing it all on my own now. So, I need to find a place where I can do what I do, without interruption or consideration for anyone or anything else. I have been making every effort to get my life in order, to do all the things that I have put off doing, and taking care of all of the loose ends of my life. I want to, I need to, get back in school. I need to be making sure that I am in pursuit of the life that I was put on this planet to live. I can not, will not, settle for this small life anymore.
~Scott
I realize the following is pretty much what I have been saying for a few weeks now. However; for me it is a pathway of reoccuring thought and realization. So, that is how I know that it is absolutely what I need and want.
...................
I was just laying in bed thinking of all of this stuff. And so I had to write it all down, so that I will remember it later.
I watched my mother going back to her old habits of feeding the dog(s) people food. I watched her take a portion of the food that I need for my lunch tomorrow, and feed it to the dogs. Now, people do this all the time, right? Well, in this case it matters much more than usual. She put me in a situation where I have had to pay the entire rent for the past 2 months. And not only the rent but, the storage unit, the phone bill, the electric bill, the cable bill, my JcPenney's charge, the settlement for my Mastercard, and everything else that I pay on each month. So, when she takes food that I need, literally takes it away from me, and gives it to the dogs, it more than disappoints me, it more than pisses me off. When she does it, I want to leave, pick up my cat, put on my shoes, coat, and gear, and leave, never looking back. I want to scream. I am sacrificing everything to keep this household afloat, and she is right back to sending the dog toward diabetes, a heart attack, joint problems, obesity and death. And in the meanwhile, she is driving me to the point where I do want to scream at her. So, she and I need to have the big talk. It is way past time.
My mother just does not get it. She wants to make it all about her, and make it out to be as if I am yelling at her and calling her a liar. Well, I am not yelling, but, simply trying to talk to her as one adult, living in the same house, to another. And the thing is, she is not telling the truth, she is telling me lies, and she is telling herself lies. The end result is that I now know even more than before, that it is time for me to have the hard conversation with her. It is time for she and I to part ways. I need to live in my own place, and we need to find her somewhere to live, so that I can have my sanity, and she can be in a place where she feels comfortable, safe, and most importantly can afford to live.
It is time for me to start enjoying the benefits of being a single, responsible adult. I am doing it all on my own now. So, I need to find a place where I can do what I do, without interruption or consideration for anyone or anything else. I have been making every effort to get my life in order, to do all the things that I have put off doing, and taking care of all of the loose ends of my life. I want to, I need to, get back in school. I need to be making sure that I am in pursuit of the life that I was put on this planet to live. I can not, will not, settle for this small life anymore.
~Scott