All that is sacred
There are so many questions and statements locked up inside me. I do not feel like I can express any of them, where anyone can see them. And yet part of me wants to, very badly. A friend of mine told me that I could potentially be the downfall of the team, and I have to wonder if she realizes just how much I take to heart the things she says. From anyone else, I would take it as one of the hundreds of insults that are slung at me every day, the ones that rampage against the walls of my sense of worth, against which I must keep constant vigil, lest I fall. So, I have to wonder, if she realizes just how deeply, such things, coming from her, cut into me, and ......ask why, what is she really thinking, and do I just let it go, do my best to prove to her that I have honor and common sense, or do I ask her why she would make such a statement?
I guess all that we can do in life is to communicate our truest of feelings, in a way that is constructive and useful. I feel torn down by people every day. It seems like an accepted ritual amongst this regional society to openly insult and correct, even reprimand, the people that you consider friends. But, I..ll tell you what; to me it is like bitter gall. I can not stomach it from people. I have suffered with the demons of doubt and fear, my entire life, and have not always won the battles that rage inside me. I do not know what people see when they look at me. I know how I feel inside. I know my own intentions, which are to be the most loving and understanding person possible. But, I guess like so many of the rest, I have been conditioned to torment the people that I care about with ..polite insults... So, I am one of those people that I despise. I do that which is abhorrent to me.
It seems funny strange, not funny ha ha, that we can as human beings intend one thing, and do something completely opposite. For instance I need people near me, I need friends, and people that I can just talk to. And yet, I seem to offend people, or push them away, as if it is on purpose. Which I am sure in some cases and in some senses is completely true. I have been so devastated by the people that I love and care about, abandoning me, that it seems like I now have a built in defense mechanism to push them back. In that way I do not have a chance of connecting very deeply, or in the end being slashed open yet again. So, I play the ..wierdo, the aggressor, the one that everyone delights in making fun of.. and I stay safely alone, in my own little world, and do not have to deal with people that I do not want to deal with. And of course I still yearn to be free of this freak, and to have people that I do things with, and to be a social creature.
I guess in the end, the only opinion of me that should matter, is my own. Everyone else is out there, not inside here, where the real truth of who and what I am exists. I will continue to do my best, to show respect, in order to receive it, and to display for everyone, whose opinion matters to me, that I am a man of honor.
Edit: I have to wonder also, that in throwing all these polite insults at me, do they believe me to be so strong and impenetrabilis, that I will be able to handle it, and not feel assaulted or violated? If, that is the case, in some instances they would be right, and in others, they would most certainly be very wrong. I also have to wonder, if it is just because they think that I deserve as much, that it is my due? I guess I will never really know, nor will there be any reason to ask. Right?
Just some thoughts as I pass through this journey of Life.
~Scott
There are so many questions and statements locked up inside me. I do not feel like I can express any of them, where anyone can see them. And yet part of me wants to, very badly. A friend of mine told me that I could potentially be the downfall of the team, and I have to wonder if she realizes just how much I take to heart the things she says. From anyone else, I would take it as one of the hundreds of insults that are slung at me every day, the ones that rampage against the walls of my sense of worth, against which I must keep constant vigil, lest I fall. So, I have to wonder, if she realizes just how deeply, such things, coming from her, cut into me, and ......ask why, what is she really thinking, and do I just let it go, do my best to prove to her that I have honor and common sense, or do I ask her why she would make such a statement?
I guess all that we can do in life is to communicate our truest of feelings, in a way that is constructive and useful. I feel torn down by people every day. It seems like an accepted ritual amongst this regional society to openly insult and correct, even reprimand, the people that you consider friends. But, I..ll tell you what; to me it is like bitter gall. I can not stomach it from people. I have suffered with the demons of doubt and fear, my entire life, and have not always won the battles that rage inside me. I do not know what people see when they look at me. I know how I feel inside. I know my own intentions, which are to be the most loving and understanding person possible. But, I guess like so many of the rest, I have been conditioned to torment the people that I care about with ..polite insults... So, I am one of those people that I despise. I do that which is abhorrent to me.
It seems funny strange, not funny ha ha, that we can as human beings intend one thing, and do something completely opposite. For instance I need people near me, I need friends, and people that I can just talk to. And yet, I seem to offend people, or push them away, as if it is on purpose. Which I am sure in some cases and in some senses is completely true. I have been so devastated by the people that I love and care about, abandoning me, that it seems like I now have a built in defense mechanism to push them back. In that way I do not have a chance of connecting very deeply, or in the end being slashed open yet again. So, I play the ..wierdo, the aggressor, the one that everyone delights in making fun of.. and I stay safely alone, in my own little world, and do not have to deal with people that I do not want to deal with. And of course I still yearn to be free of this freak, and to have people that I do things with, and to be a social creature.
I guess in the end, the only opinion of me that should matter, is my own. Everyone else is out there, not inside here, where the real truth of who and what I am exists. I will continue to do my best, to show respect, in order to receive it, and to display for everyone, whose opinion matters to me, that I am a man of honor.
Edit: I have to wonder also, that in throwing all these polite insults at me, do they believe me to be so strong and impenetrabilis, that I will be able to handle it, and not feel assaulted or violated? If, that is the case, in some instances they would be right, and in others, they would most certainly be very wrong. I also have to wonder, if it is just because they think that I deserve as much, that it is my due? I guess I will never really know, nor will there be any reason to ask. Right?
Just some thoughts as I pass through this journey of Life.
~Scott