cadyne

I'm getting really scared about seeing Mandy.. I've been raised as an only child, so to all of a sudden be thrown into this situation.. I'm freaking out.

Part of me wants to skip it all together and just spend the entire weekend with Kat instead, but I know Mandy is excited about seeing me.

Funny, when we were little I never wanted her around, never cared to do anything with her unless it would make her cry - and now that I'm an adult, I'm feeling the same damn way.

I feel like a bitch saying that. I'm sure I'll change my mind after we visit this weekend, and I'll want more to do with her. After all, I am the one who contacted her. She was looking for me, but I found her first. I set this in motion, so I need to follow through.

It's strange to know that this person is my sister, she was raised by our mother (she lost custody of me), and she is my family. I have all these mixed emotions - my adoptive mom is my momma, so when Mandy says "our momma" it makes me cringe. That woman is not my mother.

But Mandy is my sister.

All I wanted was to know that she's doing ok - I never thought about the consequences of establishing contact. Now I'm supposed to keep in touch, and her whole side of the family wants to meet me.

Her dad always babied me and treated me better than his own daughter - but he also drove the car into a tree when he picked me up from the babysitter's house drunk as shit one day. So I have mixed emotions about seeing him again. My mom doesn't want me to have any contact with him, and she's still hesitant about me seeing Mandy this weekend.

I have so many mixed feelings about this trip. Too late now, I spent the money and I get on the plane to South Carolina tonight.