I was going to go camping with Nat today, but she just called to ask if I still want to come and I realized that I cannot, because I have done nothing productive all day.
I need to unpack and hang up all my clothes, then try to fix the warzone that passes for a kitchen.
Living with Jon is fine because he is not an imbecile. Neil is tolerable. The others must go, or they're going to have to call the cops to pull me off again.
I've worked on my temper so much in the past few years and I'm pleased with myself. Although I've never been in actual trouble, in the past the police have had to drag me off other people 3 times. Well, the time with my mom didn't count as she was threatening me with a knife, so twice.
It is possible to control BPD without meds, though having 2 people with it in the same household can get tricky, especially if they're crazy white trash.
'The Dance' just came on.. I love this song so much. It reminds me so much of home and Scott and how perfect our relationship seemed.
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance
I still miss him sometimes. We talk on the phone every day and I know he wants me back, but it's not right anymore. After he got Jess pregnant while we were together, after he 'borrowed' $500 and disappeared, after he broke down Shannon's door and dragged me out of the house, after he sent me that letter in boot camp, and after he got arrested on our planned wedding day - so many things that a sane person would never have tolerated.
Neither of us are entirely sane. That's what made it work.
But I won't get back with him. He's gone borderline stalker on me, so now I'm using a placate and distract technique that seems to work rather well.
My other song that reminds me of him and how I've felt lately is Cross Canadian Ragweed's 'Sick and Tired.' CCR is one of my favorite bands ever..
Got your bag on your shoulder
Never thought once about thinkin' it over
Feel like you're the only one
Who's ever been in a bad situation
Now you need to take yourself a love vacation
'Cause after all what's done is done
Sick and tired of bein' sick and tired
Everything around you's growin' old
(Yeah) the days drag on
The night's last forever
Every day's tougher just to keep it together
Forget everything you('ve) ever known
'Cept for home
He made a promise he couldn't keep
I bet he's not losin' a bit 'a sleep
Over how your gettin' down the line
Now don't you fret
Now don't you worry
Well don't get in too much a hurry
'Cause up ahead's that city limits sign
Home is where the heart is
That's what somebody once said
I think your heart is where your love is
All the rest, babe
The rest it's all in your head
<i>Well memories, they're overrated
All they do is get you damn frustrated</i>
And who needs that on their back
Startin' over, cold turkey
Washin' your soul of everything that's dirty
Seal your heart of every crack
You're no longer sick and tired
Everything around you feels brand new
Yeah, the days fly by
The night's could be longer
Every day you're just a little bit stronger
Now that you've spread your wings and flown
Back to home
My moods are so unstable lately, but you would never be able to tell from my behavior. I just feel strange inside right now.
I hope I don't scare any of my friends off with this entry, this is my catharsis. I swear I'm not that bad of a person.
