cadenza_

First of all, this American Apparel ad is trying to convince you that what you just saw was not just ok...but encouraged in the fashion world. MEN, please note: WEARING A KNOTTED BELT OVER AN UNTUCKED BUTTON UP is NOT fasionable. Please ignore this lack of ad-sense.

Onwards. This is the part where you learn about the pros and cons of my forgiveness policy.

Situation A: Boy, we'll call him French Press like all of my colleagues like to, fucks girl over, we'll call her Cadenza_ like all of you like to. Now, because this is a blog, I can write fearlessly without over-explanation so I will put it bluntly. I have never been dumped and therefore do not deal with rejection well. There was one boy who intentionally treated me SO poorly that I felt forced to end our relationship prematurely. That was the closest thing I have ever had to rejection. It took me 3 years to get over it and in moments of overly emotional nostalgia, he can still pull a heart string. Asshole.
But French Press is the latest. In January, we started dating. I had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship and was already a bit of a mess but he assured me it was no problem. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. I wouldn't know....since a month and a half into it, right at the point where I was warming up to the idea of possibly being in another relationship, he disappeared. He spent 6 weeks begging me to stay over every night, cooking me breakfast on weekends, riding bikes around the city with me, spilling his guts about how he never feels like this about women....and then he disappeared. One day, he said he had to catch up on work and 2 weeks later he was still catching up, not returning my texts, not calling, and simply saying "Hi" and leaving at parties we bumped into each other at. He convinced me to start to unzip my heart again...and then BAM, stole it and ran.
Why is this coming up again now, you say? Well, we went 7 months in silence and now our mutual friends are getting married- which means, lots of group get togethers and such. I have run into him twice in the past 2 weeks and will have to see him again tonight I am annoyed with myself in this whole situation, to be honest, because I am still so incredibly hurt by the whole thing, which is where my forgiveness policy comes in. I will not forgive you unless you admit that you've done something wrong and ask for it. People who expect me to hand out my heart after stomping on it without a single word of regret can kiss my ass. He is the closest person I've ever had to hating. I know this is dramatic but I can't help feeling this way. When he's in the room, my heart climbs up to my throat and it's nearly impossible to have fun. And every time we spend hours of continued silence together, it gets worse. I am taking every ounce of strength with me tonight so I don't snap. How in the world did he get inside me like this?

Let me summarize:
...

Situation B: Simultaneously, my sister is back in rehab. Only this time, she's not just affecting her immediate family, she's affecting her own husband and son. I made the mistake of telling myself that nothing in the world would change her except, POSSIBLY, a child. She has been addicted to coke, pills, or alcohol for about 10 years now. It has nearly killed her multiple times. Meanwhile, we're all trying to figure out how to deal with someone we love doing this to themselves. I don't think she ever really understood how her actions affected more than just herself. And now, she has shattered the one piece of hope I put in her. I am so angry with her for dragging my nephew into this. I wish I could fly up to CO, grab him, and take him away from all of the madness that is going to be his life in Denver. Unfortunately, dad is totally straight edge...and where he and his family like ME, they have never gotten along with my parents. I worry that he will divorce her and take her child and run....leaving not only HER childless but her family GRANDCHILDLESS and NEPHEWLESS. Mom claims it is all different this time. She checked HERSELF in after passing out at work drunk, ambulencing to the hospital with 4 times the legal amount of alcohol in her bloodstream (meaning she was alone and drunk with my nephew that am), and loosing her job. She seems really committed this time. Really. Am I just a pessimist when I say she is ALWAYS really committed? She is ALWAYS making promises of getting better?
And again, we come to my forgiveness policy. It is backfiring on me here. She has apologized too many times for the same thing and I just don't believe her anymore. That equals=cannot forgive. If she were a friend, I'd have walked away years ago. But she's my sister and that makes it much more difficult...

So, now that I've brightened all of your weekends. I am going to go wedding gift shopping and paint my nails for the first time in years. That should be a slight destresser. We'll see.