Hiya kids...
As some of you may have read, my Grandmother passed away early in morning of 2/7/03. She was preceded in death by my Father two years ago 2/8/01.
The holidays and beginning of the new year always seem to bring out the worst the world has to offer and I dread the season like no other.
I hate the winter.
Ill miss Grandma.
She was one of those dirty old lady Grandmas that you could talk to about the dates youd been on. Then she would lean in and whisper low and say, Before I met your Grandfather and shock you with a wild tale you never would have expected. She always had a Kingsbury or Papst in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She drank coffee, non-stop, and always had home-made sugar cookies around. She always had a little money for you. Always let you pay her back by cutting the grass. She never said, No, when a deal could be made so everyone was happy. She talked to bikers at her best friends bar. She called a spade a spade and you always knew where you stood.
Ill be missing her a lot, Im sure.
Mostly though today, I miss my Dad.
I took his photo to work with me today, just like I did last year on this day, and I kept it close to me. Having it within reach lets me feel like I can talk to him. I can pretend for a little while that Ill be able to shoot pool with him when I get home to visit and we can have a beer and laugh about everything my Mom and sisters stress out about. It lets me pretend for a little while that everything is as good as it used to be and that I have nothing to worry about.
For that little while I can feel warm and safe.
Dad and I never grew out of hugging each other when we met one another. It didnt matter where it was or who was there. I never realized how much I depended on him for support and friendship until he was gone.
I missed him a lot today.
Im taking my first flight this coming Thursday. I wish I could say I was going home, but Im not. Instead Im going to the city my relatives live in. My Mother lives in the house I grew up in but that hasnt been home since the whole family stopped living there.
Ill be sitting with extended family in what was my Grandparents house and it will be an empty place filled with the voices of the grieving. But Grandma wont be there. Ill be able to look out the window and see the house next-door where my Dad and I shared the upstairs apartment after my folks divorced (the apartment he and my Mother shared when they were first married and the apartment I was born in before I was taken on my first car ride to my first hospital visit), but Dad wont be waving from the kitchen window.
Even with everyone milling around consoling one another we will all feel alone.
By my very nature I am an atheist. Ive been one since the second grade in catholic grade school. None of it ever made sense to me and I could never understand the comfort people got from faith. It has been a mystery to me all these years and I stare in wonder at folks lining up to get into church and ruin a perfectly good day in front of the Packer game. No mater how hard I try I just cant buy it.
As I get older I fear the end. Someday death will come for me too. I dont know what it will be like and Im afraid to simply not be.
When I think about that, I cant help but hope that Im wrong.
I hope that there is some simple truth that I just havent been able to see yet.
I hope that there is an afterlife and that I might have the chance to be with those that have gone so far away.
I want so badly to him smile and call me, Son.
I missed him so much today.
-c
As some of you may have read, my Grandmother passed away early in morning of 2/7/03. She was preceded in death by my Father two years ago 2/8/01.
The holidays and beginning of the new year always seem to bring out the worst the world has to offer and I dread the season like no other.
I hate the winter.
Ill miss Grandma.
She was one of those dirty old lady Grandmas that you could talk to about the dates youd been on. Then she would lean in and whisper low and say, Before I met your Grandfather and shock you with a wild tale you never would have expected. She always had a Kingsbury or Papst in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She drank coffee, non-stop, and always had home-made sugar cookies around. She always had a little money for you. Always let you pay her back by cutting the grass. She never said, No, when a deal could be made so everyone was happy. She talked to bikers at her best friends bar. She called a spade a spade and you always knew where you stood.
Ill be missing her a lot, Im sure.
Mostly though today, I miss my Dad.
I took his photo to work with me today, just like I did last year on this day, and I kept it close to me. Having it within reach lets me feel like I can talk to him. I can pretend for a little while that Ill be able to shoot pool with him when I get home to visit and we can have a beer and laugh about everything my Mom and sisters stress out about. It lets me pretend for a little while that everything is as good as it used to be and that I have nothing to worry about.
For that little while I can feel warm and safe.
Dad and I never grew out of hugging each other when we met one another. It didnt matter where it was or who was there. I never realized how much I depended on him for support and friendship until he was gone.
I missed him a lot today.
Im taking my first flight this coming Thursday. I wish I could say I was going home, but Im not. Instead Im going to the city my relatives live in. My Mother lives in the house I grew up in but that hasnt been home since the whole family stopped living there.
Ill be sitting with extended family in what was my Grandparents house and it will be an empty place filled with the voices of the grieving. But Grandma wont be there. Ill be able to look out the window and see the house next-door where my Dad and I shared the upstairs apartment after my folks divorced (the apartment he and my Mother shared when they were first married and the apartment I was born in before I was taken on my first car ride to my first hospital visit), but Dad wont be waving from the kitchen window.
Even with everyone milling around consoling one another we will all feel alone.
By my very nature I am an atheist. Ive been one since the second grade in catholic grade school. None of it ever made sense to me and I could never understand the comfort people got from faith. It has been a mystery to me all these years and I stare in wonder at folks lining up to get into church and ruin a perfectly good day in front of the Packer game. No mater how hard I try I just cant buy it.
As I get older I fear the end. Someday death will come for me too. I dont know what it will be like and Im afraid to simply not be.
When I think about that, I cant help but hope that Im wrong.
I hope that there is some simple truth that I just havent been able to see yet.
I hope that there is an afterlife and that I might have the chance to be with those that have gone so far away.
I want so badly to him smile and call me, Son.
I missed him so much today.
-c
Im sorry to hear about your grandma. Its nice to have people in your family that youre close with. All you can really do is keep thinking about all those fun times and eventually you'll meet up with them again. I dunno where, but I believe somehow people manage to meet up again.
Have a good one...
*kozmik*