In the dark of the night, two individuals sat in a dark room, under the dark, dark, ground. One sat in a dark chair and was thin. The other sat on a dark couch situated near a dark coffee table and was more rotund. In the dark room, they wore dark robes and dark sunglasses. It was dark.

The dark individual on the chair (who will now be known as the thin one) finished his light beer.

“Soon, our plan or darkness shall reach fruition,” he said, darkly.

The dark individual on the couch (who shall be known as the fat one) laughed a dark laugh.

He responded, “Yes, soon our darkness shall cover the city.”

He took a sip of his wine cooler. They were both going hard tonight, in celebration of their dark plan.

“Should we add more dark spells to the Dark Web?”, asked the thin one.

“Not that I know of,” the fat one responded, “Our dark master has not offered any more to be added. We have created chaos. That is enough.”

The fat one offered the thin one a wine cooler.

“Cherry wine cooler?”

“Is it dark cherry?”

“Of course. Only dark cherry could be the choice of evil such as ours.”

The thin one took the wine cooler and twisted off the top. Well, tried to twist it off. It was tight. C’mon, it wasn’t him. There was a defect with the cap. Or it was evil. (SERIOUSLY, DO YOU HAVE TO BE A POWERLIFTER TO OPEN ONE OF THESE? WHAT THE FUCK?) Both individuals tried to open it bu there was too much darkness in the bottle. So much darkness was contained that reverse pressure was created so it was harder to open. Only a truly evil wine cooler would be capable of such a feat.

After much effort, using their robes and a pair of pliers (dark, evil, powerful pliers), the wine cooler was opened, releasing its evil darkness into the world! Now that they had the dark power to open the wine cooler, they opened many more. Many were only half finished before the next one was opened, but they were counted as finished anyway to add to the dark total that they had consumed. This was the way of evil darkness.

After this dark task was completed, the two beings of darkness returned to their conversation. The conversation was darker now since the wine coolers and light beer had left them inebriated, in a dark and evil way.

“Duuude...Dude, we are gonna… we’re gonna get sooo much pussy! And spread the darknessss...” said dark thin one.

“I know...I know, like, it’s, you know, yeah!” dark fat guy responded.

“We are numero uno with the dark master, too, yeah! His buds and comp-compa… buds!”

“And, you know, you know what? He’ll make us his Dark Wards of Darkness!”

“Dude, dude, dude, that is fuckin’ awesome. Dark Words of Darkness!”

“Dude, Dark Wards!”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah, yeh… and then we get all them ass, amiright?”

“Yupyupyup...not just the emu...emm...emo ones, like the big boob blondes too dude!”

“Fuck yeah! Cause, cause,whew, cause we’re the Dark Wards!”
“Dark Wards!”

They then fought over who was the darker of the two. Then they passed out, and fell into darkness. The fat one pissed himself, leaving a dark spot on his pants. But you wouldn’t be able to see it due to the dark clothes and being in a dark room. In the dark.