Nothing cuts your heart out more than seeing the person you've foolishly fallen in love with...fall for someone else.
The fact that she's currently pining away for someone of her own gender is immaterial. This would hurt just as badly as if it was some other guy. And you know now why her last phone conversations to you were nervous affairs...her voice quaking, wavering with barely concealed guilt, uncommittal to the point of madness.
Holding you at arm's length...and the whole time you knew why. You knew it all it all along, and unlike the times before, you didn't deceive yourself into believing it wasn't so.
This is why you cried yourself to sleep every night of all of one week...trying to rid yourself of the feelings you told yourself you wouldn't feel again. Too painful...too much.
And, of course, you're happy for her...hoping she'll find the sort of lasting joy and relationship committment that seems to escape the both of you. But inside you...your inner neurosis kicks in and, like Alvy Singer in Annie Hall....you wonder...
Where did the screw up come?
The fact that she's currently pining away for someone of her own gender is immaterial. This would hurt just as badly as if it was some other guy. And you know now why her last phone conversations to you were nervous affairs...her voice quaking, wavering with barely concealed guilt, uncommittal to the point of madness.
Holding you at arm's length...and the whole time you knew why. You knew it all it all along, and unlike the times before, you didn't deceive yourself into believing it wasn't so.
This is why you cried yourself to sleep every night of all of one week...trying to rid yourself of the feelings you told yourself you wouldn't feel again. Too painful...too much.
And, of course, you're happy for her...hoping she'll find the sort of lasting joy and relationship committment that seems to escape the both of you. But inside you...your inner neurosis kicks in and, like Alvy Singer in Annie Hall....you wonder...
Where did the screw up come?
mmm k?
mmm k.
- as to your entry: knowing the love of your life is completely out of your grasp - immeasurable pain.