cabaretic

A good bit of what I'm dealing with is due to the fact that I still loathe myself for being attracted to men.

I get exasperated with the very concept of masculinity because I dislike it so much in myself. What happened to me caused me to hate all that was male in myself.

While I was in the ward, I talked to many fellow queer people. And to a number, it seemed as though they'd had a molestation situation in the past.

Now, I don't believe that sexual trauma causes one to have same-sex attraction...but I'm sure it certainly contributed to my own concept of orientation. We all have transgender issues, as well, and I certainly do...I have tried to turn myself into a woman, emotionally and intellectually.

And it has succeeded. But then again, I never really thought as a man anyway.

I am gender queer...which is an evolving concept...but just as my orientation is split, so is my gender.

One of my female friends (who, of course, know me best) said, "You play both roles very well." (meaning, I play both man and woman well).

But, this is not to say that ''Oooh wow...isn't it great to be bi and trans".

I have a friend, who bless her heart, wants to emulate me so badly that she is wants to entertain the notion of being bisexual.

And my response has always been...If you were this way, you really wouldn't want to be.

It was not fun to be teased unmercifully in middle school for breaking into tears easily and being incredibly hypersensitive about everything.

And my father tried to purge all of that "funny stuff" away from me by placing me in hyper-masculine pursuits like football and baseball and such. But all it really does is teach you to wear another mask.

You're still queer. You just learn how to hide it better and you learn better ways to further entrench yourself in the closet.

And I was still very much closeted until I turned 18...and it's only been very recently that I've been quite open about the way that I am...if only to explode a lot of myths about us.

This attitude, has, unfortunately...costs me a few friends who couldn't handle the fact that I wasn't willing to restrain this side of myself anymore.

I was a highly repressed person until I was 16. I think all Scorpios are repressed in some ways.

We seem like the masters of self-control, and we are...but it's only because underneath our masterful control is a furnace that constantly boils and bubbles and threatens to explode.
We seem so calm at face value, but it's all a front.

And I had a major eruption about four months ago...after my Boston trip. I couldn't keep the lid on anymore.

Part of it was due to the fact that I had fallen in love with someone up there...and she had fallen in love with me..

I knew that I was about to have a major breakdown, but I couldn't tell her...I tried to cancel the plans we had made. She had gotten special permission with her work to allow me to stay with her for a week. And a week before I changed everything around...in my highly irrational state...knowing that I was about to crash again and trying desperately to spare her of it.

All kinds of resentment resulted...she bitched me out for a good two hours once we did make belated greetings. It was just that she was another in a series of people who have taken on fixing me as a personal challenge.

I do the same thing.

I fall in love with someone and then, though I deny it...I try to fix them. There is something egocentric and maternal at the same time about the feminine nature; it provides that you believe somehow you can fix your partner.

And you can't. And although you say things things to yourself...I bet many of you reading this are in similar "rescue mission" relationships like this right now.

I've had so many of them in my life that it makes me want to vomit. I just want to find someone stable...I know I'm not the easiest person to be around sometimes, either.

I need a strong relationship partner...whomever that shall be.