c71inc

OK, so what with all the financial issues I have been having, I am kinda desperate for work. A few weeks ago a friend of mine offered me the job of painting the rental house he owns. I have never in my life been afraid of honest work, so I agreed. He was more worried that I might take the offer as insulting - friend asking friend to do labor. Absolutely NOT the case. Work is work. I told him that if I were financially OK right now that he and I could just bang out the job one weekend. But I am broke and he is busy. So this is a win-win as far as I see it.

So I was supposed to get started yesterday. This was according to MY timetable - he really doesn't care, as he has no immediate plans to rent the place. Yesterday got screwed by the gas company and I was forced to stay home and babysit until almost 4pm.
OK, says I. Monday is wash, but I will jump on it in the a.m. and all will be fine. So this morning, I get my painting clothes and some other supplies together and head out the door. As I am getting to my car it occurs to me that I have nothing to listen to music with (the house is without power and my last boombox died a slow lingering death some 2 years ago). I don't want to use my iPhone to listen to tunes - the battery will die. So I am just thinking I'll do without as I slide into my car and crank it.

And nothing happens. Well, a few things happen, but the car actually starting is NOT one of them.

Alright now, this happens sometimes if I leave the car sitting for a few days, and we have just gotten our first chilly nights. I just figure the Stormtrooper (he's big and white and used to belong to the Empire) needs an extra crank or 2. Power is good, engine isn't flooded, I get a good strong crank every time... AND THE FUCKER STILL WON'T START.

Now then. I am not dying, I am not fighting cancer or in Afghanistan, I am not in prison for crimes I didn't commit. I am not pretending to have it worse than so many others because I know I have it better. But I am trying, really really trying, to put food on the table and keep a roof over my head. And the Universe is fucking with me. In the past year I can count on one hand the things I bought for myself that I did not need (2 dvds, 1 Halloween mask, and $2.75 U.S. for some used books). I have been frugal and careful. I work hard when work can be found. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I AM DOING WRONG.

I can't afford for my car to die like this. I literally do not have the money to fix it. I don't have the money to tow it to my mechanic in the first place. I swear I am trying, but nothing is going my way. A friend tries to do me a solid and I cannot even make that come to be. I am not at the end of my rope, but I am starting to wonder when this all ends. What the hell do I do if my kid needs something? Where do I turn?

I am trying to keep my head above water and in one piece at the same time. The second has never never never been easy. I feel like I am starting to slip away from my equilibrium. I just want to sleep and not talk to people. I want to avoid the sunlight. I can't even find my voice when I am alone anymore. I will hold it together because that is what a man does, but I cannot bear the thought of doing this any more. I am at wits, if not World's, end.