***CAUTION- SELF LOATHING BELOW******
Its been one hell of a year.
It started off with a bang. around Dec. 25th, I had a bad experience with some legal substances. It caused me heavy anxiety and depression and got me to go the doctor to explain.
Long story short, after much testing and research of my own- it was found out that I had a pituitary tumor, thyroid deficiency, and testosterone deficiency. Overnight I went from a healthy 24 year old male to a disease-addled and mentally broken member of society. It was a lot to handle.
Tests, tests, and more tests. More medications than you can imagine. And my wedding was coming up in May. I was unemployed. I was 30K in debt. It all added up to a stressful fucking time.
Fast forward to March 2005. Due to medications, most of my problems are going away but new ones are popping up. I've been employed now. Things seem to be back in order and on track. But I'm stiff and achy and it's not going away and getting worse. I check into it. I have rheumatoid arthritis. A serious case. It gets me to the point where I can't dress myself. This year has been strain enough on my fiance and now it's worse. Wedding is getting closer and here's the groom not being able to move. What the fuck??? More medication. More tests.
Fast forward finally to May, the wedding. It goes off without a hitch. It's a beautiful day. My symptoms are under control enough to enjoy myself. I'm still out of it somewhat though. Fast forward to honeymoon in Bali. Getting better by the day. Things looking up. Fast forward to coming home. My workplace is closing. And my now wife works there with me too. We're both out of jobs.
Fast forward to now. Hell, I've made numerous mistakes throughout this and all up until just recently. Throughout it all- the hormone changes, the lifestyle changes, the breaking down of mental barriers- I was a changed man. For the better and the worse. I did things out of character for myself. I hurt people I loved. I hurt myself because I didn't know who I was.
I'm finally coming back to myself though. Realizing the wrongs and seeking to right them. But I have to live with the things I've done. I have to incorporate that into who I am, because for better or worse- they ARE part of me.
This year I've shattered any illusions of myself being perfect or having it 'together'. This year I've lived the dreams, the nightmares, and the heavens and hells of life. I've hit massive highs and rediculous lows.
So I do seriously ask myself: Will I make it out alive or just die trying??? (Yeah, it was in my last entry too, but it weighs heavy on my mind.)
And I'm that one guy you'd meet and think 'Wow. He's really nice. He has a good head on his shoulders. He's a GOOD person.'
Well, maybe I am. But this year has shown me sides of myself I knew existed but never wanted to come face to face with. It's been a tough lesson in life.
At 25, I'm really wondering what the NEXT 25 will bring.
Hopefully the people I've hurt can forgive. And hopefully so can I.
Maybe love is something fleeting and something only certain people deserve. Maybe I don't deserve love or happiness. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Hell, I just don't know WHAT to think anymore.
Thanks for listening.
Its been one hell of a year.
It started off with a bang. around Dec. 25th, I had a bad experience with some legal substances. It caused me heavy anxiety and depression and got me to go the doctor to explain.
Long story short, after much testing and research of my own- it was found out that I had a pituitary tumor, thyroid deficiency, and testosterone deficiency. Overnight I went from a healthy 24 year old male to a disease-addled and mentally broken member of society. It was a lot to handle.
Tests, tests, and more tests. More medications than you can imagine. And my wedding was coming up in May. I was unemployed. I was 30K in debt. It all added up to a stressful fucking time.
Fast forward to March 2005. Due to medications, most of my problems are going away but new ones are popping up. I've been employed now. Things seem to be back in order and on track. But I'm stiff and achy and it's not going away and getting worse. I check into it. I have rheumatoid arthritis. A serious case. It gets me to the point where I can't dress myself. This year has been strain enough on my fiance and now it's worse. Wedding is getting closer and here's the groom not being able to move. What the fuck??? More medication. More tests.
Fast forward finally to May, the wedding. It goes off without a hitch. It's a beautiful day. My symptoms are under control enough to enjoy myself. I'm still out of it somewhat though. Fast forward to honeymoon in Bali. Getting better by the day. Things looking up. Fast forward to coming home. My workplace is closing. And my now wife works there with me too. We're both out of jobs.
Fast forward to now. Hell, I've made numerous mistakes throughout this and all up until just recently. Throughout it all- the hormone changes, the lifestyle changes, the breaking down of mental barriers- I was a changed man. For the better and the worse. I did things out of character for myself. I hurt people I loved. I hurt myself because I didn't know who I was.
I'm finally coming back to myself though. Realizing the wrongs and seeking to right them. But I have to live with the things I've done. I have to incorporate that into who I am, because for better or worse- they ARE part of me.
This year I've shattered any illusions of myself being perfect or having it 'together'. This year I've lived the dreams, the nightmares, and the heavens and hells of life. I've hit massive highs and rediculous lows.
So I do seriously ask myself: Will I make it out alive or just die trying??? (Yeah, it was in my last entry too, but it weighs heavy on my mind.)
And I'm that one guy you'd meet and think 'Wow. He's really nice. He has a good head on his shoulders. He's a GOOD person.'
Well, maybe I am. But this year has shown me sides of myself I knew existed but never wanted to come face to face with. It's been a tough lesson in life.
At 25, I'm really wondering what the NEXT 25 will bring.
Hopefully the people I've hurt can forgive. And hopefully so can I.
Maybe love is something fleeting and something only certain people deserve. Maybe I don't deserve love or happiness. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Hell, I just don't know WHAT to think anymore.
Thanks for listening.
Think positively - the next 25 years couldn't possibly as hard as the first 25!! It has to get better........
But I just hope she can learn to trust me again and realize that every day I AM trying to be the best I can be.
I just did NOT see this year coming. I've done complete 360's in regard to who I am, who I thought I was, etc...
But she loves me and I love her with all my heart, so hopefully all will work out for me, for her, for everything.