OK..so I updated recently just to please my friend HeatherAnn , but now am feeling kind of updatish on my own. She just went pink and is now a limbo girl. Go love on her....
I own my grandmother some money that I've been slow to repay. OH..Ive sent her planety of money, but things happen and shit gets fucked up. So its not that I have any inclination to not pay her, in fact Ive paid her over half (maybe 2/3's) of it back already. I miss a month or two here or there. I'm terrible at money mangament..the money was to pay of the credit cards I had racked up through my late 20's and early 30's. Most I was replacing stolen music equipment and one vacation that got expensive along the way.
So I catch hell now and then from my moms side (its her mom that loaned me the cash). I accept it..and don't think less that someone I owe money too takes issue with slow payments. I mean..how would I feel?? My moms side of the family is so negative though. They kind of feed of negative things...I'm just the most recent thing to focus on.
My Gradma...who is a saint really. Spoiled me rotten when I was a kid. Love her deep deep...just love her. It makes me sad that there is this thing between us. It makes me not call becasue I can feel the anger.
Thing is..it was my mom that pushed me to asking her for money, when I told her I was gonna work with a credit consolidation company. I didn't want her money, but my mom was so wanting to fix this problem and I was getting guilted for not accepting the idea. Now my mom gets the flack when the check doesn't show up.
So I am talking to my mom last week. You see...my grandma is old and has begun a series of trips to the hospital. She had a close call this last time around. My mom takes my call out into the hallway. This call was was SO HARD TO MAKE to make too...just to see how Grandma was doing. Mom says to me..and I quote "Are you waiting for your grandma to die so you don't have to pay her back". I freaked out..."OH MY GOD MOM..thats awful to say"!! "My mom says "Well thats what she thinks"
Ive been walking aroudn all week just sick. Its not that Ive not had enough other shit to contend with you know. I know its to much to hope, that when a family member lends moeny to some one with credit issues, that they might guess that the money might come slow. I mean.... THIS IS HOW I GOT IN TROUBLE TO BEGIN WITH!! ITs idealistic of me to hope for that though. However...to hear that my grandma thinks I am waiting for her to die is just fucked up. So now I'm trapped between 2 emotions. One is the already well placed guilt..the other is to unload my judgment of them. What the fuck is wrong with you people! I am embarrassed to call you fmaily. If this is really what you believe, then you DESERVE THE MISERY YOU CREATE.
Well...my mom called me twice this weekend. Commenting that shes wondering if Iam nto talkign to her now..given our last phone call. I call her back the next day saying its not that I am not talkign to her...but that I have nothing to say. I dug in a little on the issue of Grandma thinking I am waiting for her to die..and she says.."Oh..she never said that. That was my question to you". I corrected and quoted her....and she said it was a mistake and she didn't mean to imply that Grandma actually said that. I said "IMPLY...you flat out said she said that!!"
Needless to say, I am both relieved and newly angered. My mom said what she said to get me and it did. To fabricate such an ugly thing and attach it to my Grandma is if was her thoughts....is fucked up. I will tuck it away as a topic and not bring it up again, but my relationship with my mom is seriously tarnished now.
If you made it this far, then thanks for reading all the way through. I would like to add that inside the same weekend...my girlfriend, (who is a stunning beautiful woman) and I had an enourmous breakthru in our relationship. Ive had a foot out the door for weeks. Fear of rejection can be such a powerful force making any and all of us shut down. We broke thru some of that stuff..and I am just fucking stoked!! I've been acting retardely silly around her since. I just feel so relaxed and happy with and about her now. I'll post a pic of her as soon as I'm done posting this.
Shes the bomb....I'm a lucky man.
I own my grandmother some money that I've been slow to repay. OH..Ive sent her planety of money, but things happen and shit gets fucked up. So its not that I have any inclination to not pay her, in fact Ive paid her over half (maybe 2/3's) of it back already. I miss a month or two here or there. I'm terrible at money mangament..the money was to pay of the credit cards I had racked up through my late 20's and early 30's. Most I was replacing stolen music equipment and one vacation that got expensive along the way.
So I catch hell now and then from my moms side (its her mom that loaned me the cash). I accept it..and don't think less that someone I owe money too takes issue with slow payments. I mean..how would I feel?? My moms side of the family is so negative though. They kind of feed of negative things...I'm just the most recent thing to focus on.
My Gradma...who is a saint really. Spoiled me rotten when I was a kid. Love her deep deep...just love her. It makes me sad that there is this thing between us. It makes me not call becasue I can feel the anger.
Thing is..it was my mom that pushed me to asking her for money, when I told her I was gonna work with a credit consolidation company. I didn't want her money, but my mom was so wanting to fix this problem and I was getting guilted for not accepting the idea. Now my mom gets the flack when the check doesn't show up.
So I am talking to my mom last week. You see...my grandma is old and has begun a series of trips to the hospital. She had a close call this last time around. My mom takes my call out into the hallway. This call was was SO HARD TO MAKE to make too...just to see how Grandma was doing. Mom says to me..and I quote "Are you waiting for your grandma to die so you don't have to pay her back". I freaked out..."OH MY GOD MOM..thats awful to say"!! "My mom says "Well thats what she thinks"
Ive been walking aroudn all week just sick. Its not that Ive not had enough other shit to contend with you know. I know its to much to hope, that when a family member lends moeny to some one with credit issues, that they might guess that the money might come slow. I mean.... THIS IS HOW I GOT IN TROUBLE TO BEGIN WITH!! ITs idealistic of me to hope for that though. However...to hear that my grandma thinks I am waiting for her to die is just fucked up. So now I'm trapped between 2 emotions. One is the already well placed guilt..the other is to unload my judgment of them. What the fuck is wrong with you people! I am embarrassed to call you fmaily. If this is really what you believe, then you DESERVE THE MISERY YOU CREATE.
Well...my mom called me twice this weekend. Commenting that shes wondering if Iam nto talkign to her now..given our last phone call. I call her back the next day saying its not that I am not talkign to her...but that I have nothing to say. I dug in a little on the issue of Grandma thinking I am waiting for her to die..and she says.."Oh..she never said that. That was my question to you". I corrected and quoted her....and she said it was a mistake and she didn't mean to imply that Grandma actually said that. I said "IMPLY...you flat out said she said that!!"
Needless to say, I am both relieved and newly angered. My mom said what she said to get me and it did. To fabricate such an ugly thing and attach it to my Grandma is if was her thoughts....is fucked up. I will tuck it away as a topic and not bring it up again, but my relationship with my mom is seriously tarnished now.
If you made it this far, then thanks for reading all the way through. I would like to add that inside the same weekend...my girlfriend, (who is a stunning beautiful woman) and I had an enourmous breakthru in our relationship. Ive had a foot out the door for weeks. Fear of rejection can be such a powerful force making any and all of us shut down. We broke thru some of that stuff..and I am just fucking stoked!! I've been acting retardely silly around her since. I just feel so relaxed and happy with and about her now. I'll post a pic of her as soon as I'm done posting this.
Shes the bomb....I'm a lucky man.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
reagan:
my grandma owes me 60 bucks from a poker game. thanks for the reminder
heatherann:
Look at you with the fancy new profile picture.