As some of you know, my birthday was this past Monday. I more or less celebrated it all the weekend before, with the diffrent circles of freinds that I have. A few of you asked me how my birthday was, and I said I would write in my journal here about it. The following are the less personal excerpts from a letter I wrote to a close freind. I say less personal in regards to her..not to me. The excerpts are actually quite personal to me. I don't often go that deep here.
She had treated me to a massage on Saturday, and the turn of events that day, that only "included" that massage, totally Zenned me out. The best way I know to explain it is that it was one of those few times in my life that I reached a platue...being able to see the challenges I had ahead of me in the near and distant future...while also seeing my past and how I did or didn't pass the tests I had already been thru. It sounds hokey...but it floored me and freaked me out. Heres the select parts of that letter I wrote:
Saturday was so strange. (Sunday was flat out weird). On Saturday my time at the river mixed with the book reading had an opening affect on me. I was mentally, and dare I say spiritually, wide open. Then the massage just made me so self aware and in touch with myself. It was almost confusing, and just a tad exhilarating..but above all positive. We all have them, days where we just fall into place with everything andyou're glad to be alive.
Ive been building walls around myself for so many years that I don't know when I started, though I can probably guess. I offer extra healthy levels of intimacy to a point..and then I shut off with no apologies. I can't let anyone in to these ackward terrifyingly private places. Like the perfect days I was speaking of before, I'm sure we all have these private places as well. I have to protect them so I feel safe. Sounds wacked or whatever but whatever, that's how it is. I have no idea if you or anyone else sees this, or if this is a transparent part of myself. On 98% of the days of my life I don't even think about this stuff. Its auto pilot controlled.
Something about the way that entire Saturday went, lead me to a frightening, scary, honest moment with myself. I'm still in it right now, as I was on my way to work, at lunch, and now as I'm writing. It's a knot in my stomache all day long. I couldn't sleep last night. I'm ok though. I am in fact hopefully on my way to being better then Ive ever been..in as long as I can remember. But its kind of scary and its got some sadness for the past in it. Its sadness with the past as far as my memory can see. I think a lot of the emotion is that I know you have to grasp and forgive these things in order to make peace in your life.
So thats how my birthday went, or how the days since the weekend of my birthday have gone. I'm investigating all the artistic ideas Ive had in hibernation, working on my F'ed up relationships, and trying to leave myself open to stronger possibilities.
With that in mind..I think I better open up to the possibility of getting back to work.
Peace out...love on each other
She had treated me to a massage on Saturday, and the turn of events that day, that only "included" that massage, totally Zenned me out. The best way I know to explain it is that it was one of those few times in my life that I reached a platue...being able to see the challenges I had ahead of me in the near and distant future...while also seeing my past and how I did or didn't pass the tests I had already been thru. It sounds hokey...but it floored me and freaked me out. Heres the select parts of that letter I wrote:
Saturday was so strange. (Sunday was flat out weird). On Saturday my time at the river mixed with the book reading had an opening affect on me. I was mentally, and dare I say spiritually, wide open. Then the massage just made me so self aware and in touch with myself. It was almost confusing, and just a tad exhilarating..but above all positive. We all have them, days where we just fall into place with everything andyou're glad to be alive.
Ive been building walls around myself for so many years that I don't know when I started, though I can probably guess. I offer extra healthy levels of intimacy to a point..and then I shut off with no apologies. I can't let anyone in to these ackward terrifyingly private places. Like the perfect days I was speaking of before, I'm sure we all have these private places as well. I have to protect them so I feel safe. Sounds wacked or whatever but whatever, that's how it is. I have no idea if you or anyone else sees this, or if this is a transparent part of myself. On 98% of the days of my life I don't even think about this stuff. Its auto pilot controlled.
Something about the way that entire Saturday went, lead me to a frightening, scary, honest moment with myself. I'm still in it right now, as I was on my way to work, at lunch, and now as I'm writing. It's a knot in my stomache all day long. I couldn't sleep last night. I'm ok though. I am in fact hopefully on my way to being better then Ive ever been..in as long as I can remember. But its kind of scary and its got some sadness for the past in it. Its sadness with the past as far as my memory can see. I think a lot of the emotion is that I know you have to grasp and forgive these things in order to make peace in your life.
So thats how my birthday went, or how the days since the weekend of my birthday have gone. I'm investigating all the artistic ideas Ive had in hibernation, working on my F'ed up relationships, and trying to leave myself open to stronger possibilities.
With that in mind..I think I better open up to the possibility of getting back to work.
Peace out...love on each other
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
apotheosis:
sup yo?
southernbelle:
I hope you had a good weekend....I took a page out of your book and did some soul searching this weekend....