I have something really awesome to show you guys.. and a little back story will make it even more awesome!
Something people like @missy @rambo @lyxzen @sean @courtneyriot and everyone who makes this site what it is, should see.. to see just how special this thing is we have here in this site, I hope it brings you as much joy as it did me when I found this!
here it is straight off the bat!
A journal entry from 9th of July 2006 I was 14 years old and I know my writing was horrid but it says this...
"I'm so unsure of myself and everything I believe in but I know I definitely want to be a Suicide Girl when I turn 18, how hot would that be?! But yeah its an official dream of mine now"
So I am back living with my parents briefly and I'm going through the boxes of stuff I still have here and I found my old diaries. I wrote in a diary every day from the age of 14 -19 and I decorated the outsides and keep memories of birthday invitations, song lyrics I liked in them and wrote everything. every embarrassing thought or feeling, thing I did are in these pages! You can see how my personality grew and changed over the years just with how I decorated the outsides..
The journal this entry came from isn't pictured, as my fiancee is currently reading it.. trying to get a deeper understanding of me haha! This entry came from the very first diary I had. I keep A LOT of my past hidden, I don't talk about my past struggles but as you can see the first couple of books are covered in black and have some pretty dark stuff stuck on them.
What I and my family went through when I was a teenager has truly shaped who I am now and I'm not going to get into it a whole deal but at the time THIS ENTRY was written I felt I had nothing, nothing keeping me in this world. The words in this diary hurt me to read now as they are so bleak, have no hope and are down right emo, dramatic and depressing.. I talk of having nothing, feeling nothing but pain, hurt, a heavy weight in my heart and of crying all the time... feeling alone, abandoned, the weight of the world on my tiny shoulders and confusion about everything everyone. I questions everything.. everything about my friends, family, my beliefs and who I am as a person.. I struggle to write anything good in those first diaries, anything that would give you an idea that I wanted anything from life.. just pages and pages of the inner workings of a depressed young girl going through unbelievable times.. in till this entry
I remember this entry even now because I was discovering my sexuality at this time and my best friend at the time who had ridiculously accepting kool parents, had printed me pages of colorful, nude, alternative, pinup girls from the internet for me to enjoy at home.. 3 pages of which were pages of what I'm guessing from set or display pictures from this amazing site Suicide Girls! I wouldn't know as obviously I wasn't on the site at this time.
I would stare at these girls endlessly.. wondering about their confidence, their style, their lives. I imagined myself one day being like them and for the first time in a long time I had hope for something.. I had "an official dream" to keep me going, to become a Suicide Girl! Now I probably had no idea what that really meant at that age but I knew and still know it was the first step in the right direction.. after all those pages of hurt to write and bout hope and a dream. I think that is just.. fucking amazing.
These girls saved me from so much, made me feel I could be who I was, accept my sexuality and love it! I really want to thank the girls in this picture, they meant everything to me. I keep you all under my pillow! and would dream of your lives whenever I was sad or hopeless.. Thank you @squeak @reagan @quinne @sugar @ember @elara @aiden @amina @anneclaire @sawa @bella @cain @campbell @cherry @desdemonia @flux @fractal @unida @manko @mary @odette @princess and Al, Yuki and Pato.. I hope these tag are right! I'm just taking them from these pictures I have that are 9 years old! presumably some girls may of left the site or changed their names but I have to say THANK YOU, you meant and mean so much to me and I'm sure many others.. I hope you know that.
So I wrote this entry after about a week of having these photos with me,, giving me my first glimpse of hope in life for a long time. My heart literally stopped when I saw this entry now, I held my breath and read and all those memories and feeling came back.. I didn't realize it then but now I see it as a huge turning point for me. That's where it started for me, getting me to where I am now as a person and a model. this is where it started, how I got into modelling when I was 19, nude modelling, and eventually finding the place that started the dream, here, Suicide Girls when I was 21 =D and Im still here 2 years later, I just don't have words!
I wish I could go back and tell 14 year old me so many things.. but right now I would tell her that her 6th Suicide Girl hopeful set just came out, and that she uses the site and its community on a more regular basic than myspace! haha and to not give up hope.. I'm telling myself this now too because the day I finally become a Suicide Girl I am actually going to cry and think back to then and this journal entry and fall in love with this site and what we, I do all over again ^_^
Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed this discovery as much as I did! I've been waiting a few days to find the right words but I'm glad I can share this with you!
<3
